VCLP day 18. My body is putting in work!

I have really been taking the time to notice how great I feel. No need for coffee, I am full of natural energy. I've been sleepy at night. One thing I am trying to do is take a probiotic every day. Since I don't usually eat the melba, I can use this as a yeast cleanse. I also take a third of a Triphala, which helps with elimination. I feel like I even am thinking more clearly!

Last night I knew I was going to cheat. I didn't plan on it, but I was alone, and I didn't see an end in sight to the grudge match going on here in my house. Instead, I sat on the couch and talked to myself. I told myself that I knew I needed to feel heard. I knew I wanted that crunch to just let my jaw lose and distract myself from the unfairness of this ridiculous stand off. I sat with my hands over my eyes. Then I prayed. And I sat waiting for the urge to pass.

And it did.

VCLP day 18. My body is putting in work!

I have really been taking the time to notice how great I feel. No need for coffee, I am full of natural energy. I've been sleepy at night. One thing I am trying to do is take a probiotic every day. Since I don't usually eat the melba, I can use this as a yeast cleanse. I also take a third of a Triphala, which helps with elimination. I feel like I even am thinking more clearly!

Last night I knew I was going to cheat. I didn't plan on it, but I was alone, and I didn't see an end in sight to the grudge match going on here in my house. Instead, I sat on the couch and talked to myself. I told myself that I knew I needed to feel heard. I knew I wanted that crunch to just let my jaw lose and distract myself from the unfairness of this ridiculous stand off. I say with my hands over my eyes. Then I prayed. And I say waiting for the urge to pass.

And it did.

Past 2 days

The past two days have been really really rough. It started with a big fight with my after which he left. My most vulnerable time for a binge is when I am alone. Add in the frustration of the argument and it was just all bad. Yesterday was the same.

I keep telling myself that every time I give in to eating emotionally I give those feelings, habits and addictions more power. I tell myself not to judge myself for eating off protocol (I'm not binging, at least), and that I sympathize with my actions rather than feeling guilty. I gained 2 pounds over the past two days, also. We'll see how tonight goes.

Honesty interlude

I ate a few oven fries and some brussels sprouts roasted in oil. I didn't have my fruit today, but I do know better. What I am proud of, however, is that I didn't decide I totally blow my "diet" and inhale everything in site. I am growing. Progress feels good.

VLCD 13. The trap of commercial satisfaction

I just watched this video from Robin Phillips Woodall, the one about the mother whose dieting affected her son.  I have heard, over and over again, that the cult of the good body is akin to the dieting cult.  I was listening to this song, and it struck me: which ever part of this deficit based society you buy into, it requires that same kind of crazy.  Because once you have that body, you would give anything to maintain it.  Once you have that house, that car, that look, those clothes, IT defines who you are.  You are no longer in control of your fate, the very clothes, car, size, etc that gave you the life you thought you wanted are now the things your life depends on.  Think about those "celebrities" who have lost their fame and have done just about anything to gain it back, or to achieve it at another level.  

That is not a life.  It's a trap.


Today I avoided the coffee with too much milk, but there was another issue. 
I am not spacing out my drops well. These led me to eat brussel sprouts roasted in a little oil. 
I think I got too hungry because it was 12 hours between my first and second doses.

VCLP 12: In the thick of it

I have to admit: I have been subbing a Café Misto for a meat serving for the past three days. I don't know if it's the worst thing, or proof that I won't commit to the diet or evidence that I was hugged too much as a child. I'm not mad at myself for it. But I think I'm quitting it. I understand where Robin is coming from when she emphasizes that these are HORMONES we're messing with. Hormones we don't fully understand. So if I say my goal is body rehab, not just weight loss, I need to set my body up for a good clean reboot-not just a quick drop.

Here are the health problems I have gained with the extra weight:
Achy joints
Reflux
Rashes
Diarrhea
Worsened Asthma
High blood pressure

I'm so glad I'm putting my body first and taking this seriously.

VLCD 10: Thought I was super woman!

Up until around 7, I had very minimal hunger all day. Then all of a sudden, an emotional eating cloud just kind of lighted upon my head. I keep thinking about cheating. I know I have been doing so well and I don't think I will cheat. But it's like I'm being stalked by this desire.

Trying my best to sit with this discomfort. Night night! I update stats mañana. Night!

VLCD 9. Exhaustion, Action, Work

Not much to say about today. So much work in this training I'm doing on my self, and it's so much to process. No time for emotional eating that's for sure :)

All I ate was a few dried strawberries, a hamburger patty and a bowl of cabbage hamburger soup. Oh and a cafe misto with stevia.

Hunger games. VLCD 8

Not too much hunger today. I didn't finish one protein serving. In fact come to think of it, I didn't finish one serving of anything. So I'm curious to see how tomorrow feels with my hunger.

I have a looooong training tomorrow with a bunch of people I barely know, which will be an intensely uncomfortable experience for me. Lots of people will eating out and social eating is an easy escape for me on these situations. I look forward to the challenge. I feel so different this time and I am excited to see what additional transformations these challenges bring.

Realizations and Fullness, VLCD 7

Forgot to publish this yesterday.
I have been trying to figure out what it takes for me to feel emotionally full. If I'm not hungry for food what am I hungry for?

"Have fun now!" I told my friend. I can't, she tells me. I can't look at myself. I can't enjoy moving because I'm so big.  "But that's the mindset you have to fight against. That only the skinny you can fit through the door of having fun. That body shame is what causes us to binge and eat emotionally! The feeling like we don't deserve to have fun just like we feel like don't deserve to have a healthy weight and self sabotage and overly restrict! The key to getting rid of this cycle is to love your body unconditionally. Appreciating what it can do and is doing right now." I told her how, at my lowest, skinniest weight I was not satisfied. Now my but wasn't big enough. It wasn't how I looked that was the problem. The problem was how I saw myself.

And my friend said, "Wow. I see it now. That's what I've been doing. And I didn't even realize it. I have to learn to love my body right now, as it is."

The guilt. The restrictions. The pinching fat. The tears. The shame. The crazy. For her, it may be the first step off the crazy train and into her real life.

After that conversation . . . I felt so full.

VCLP day 6. Setbacks and Improvements

So the bad first. I weighed today. I felt really bad because I had decided to not weigh at least until Monday. I feel like I let myself down because that was the commitment I made for myself. I am so tired of this life; of binging and relying on fluid as an emotional crutch. I told a friend today that I would rather lose this dependence to dieting and emotional eating than I would to lose weight. So I have to keep that focus in front of me. I can succeed with that as a goal. I can succeed a lot quicker than I can lose 100 pounds. So I need to make sure at all times that is where my focus is staying.
I did lose 10 pounds.
Successes! I just ate half of my chicken, realized I was full and stepped away. I don't know when I've been able to do that. Let's see If I can do that with every meal?

I just got this quote from a friend of a friend on Facebook and I had to add it here.  Because there are mashed potatoes in the refrigerator calling my name.

Ádìsá Ájámú

It is a horrible thing to feel stuck, to feel as though the life you desire is right within our grasps, close enough for us to see it, brush up against it, feel it but not be able to grasp it. If we understand that much of our lives are the result of choices we've made--good and bad. Then it helps us understand that wekeep getting the lack of results we've gotten thus far in life because we keep doing what we've doing. Different life results require a different life actions. It's that simple—and that hard. Life is about choices and chances, the ones we make and take, and the ones we don't. The life you desire is waiting patiently for you to change. Go get your bliss.

- Ádìsá

Vlcd 5. Protein shake review.

Today I tried Tera's Whey Protein for my lunch protein shake. I am not a huge fan of whey protein, primarily because of the taste. This was no different. Yucky with that nasty whey protein smell. Especially at $3 a serving, I do not recommend it.

My hunger was fairly manageable today. I think I ended up short a fruit and a half. But I ate brussels sprouts until I was at around a 6 on the satiety scale. But it was a true 6, and now, about 20, minutes later, I am a solid 5. I am feeling a little mentally worn out, but I feel like today was easy peasy as far as the protocol.

How To Feed My Hungry Soul

VLCD 4: Today was pretty good.  I've been struggling with being tired and last night resorted to taking a Benadryl at 2a.m. I am pretty much POP, although I do use a little non stick coconut oil spray.

I am really grappling with my mind set. I feel like I am on one side of a cliff, holding on to negativity, desperation about weight loss, self doubt and I'm looking across a chasm and on the other side are all of my gifts; creativity, self love, friendships, trust, a lives while person. What is in between me and me self actualized, productive life?

Not my weight. I think it's the distractions of technology and my tendency to plan plan plan. Rather than just be zen and explore my creative productive side, I fill my time calculating pounds that I should lose. I fill my time on Facebook. I watch television shows filled with commercials and messages that I am not enough.

I want to jump this chasm.

Goals: Consider a daily limit for social media.
Limit television to preplanned viewing.
Quit thinking about the next weight loss plan.

I will update and revisit these goals.

Feeling good. Make that great.

I just watched Robin's most recent videos and I recommend them very highly. Look up weight loss apocalypse on YouTube. Her channel is both inspiring and insightful. These last two videos really focused on the feeling of desperation around weight loss and what that leads to: extreme dieting, binging, and shame. This desperation is directly connected to consumerism our view of ourselves through the eyes of the media. This led me to think about this: what does it look like to lead a consumer based life versus a production based life? What if there was desperation for creativity and personhood rather than looks and weight?

Consumer based:
I'm not good enough
I'm not beautiful enough (buy to look better)
My house isn't nice enough
My kids aren't smart enough
I need to be entertained/consume entertainment
Artificial relationships which are easy (i.e. Social media, television)
Beauty is scarce, expensive, created
Others are more talented
Talent is scarce
My value is external
My self worth depends on external things

Production Based:
Contentment
I'm good enough
I'm beautiful, I find beauty within myself
My hard work makes my house nice
I use creative means to generate entertainment, conversation, writing, games, knitting, playing music.
I produce the means on entertainment
I enjoy real and meaningful relationships and work to cultivate them
Beauty is abundant and everywhere
I have special talents as does everyone
My value and self worth are my qualities and who I an as a person

Which would you choose? Which would you be desperate for?

VCLP DAY 1

One thing I notice that I do on any eating protocol, including hcg, or even when I was sick and unable to easy because of issues with Crohns is still being obsessed with food. When it was my Crohns that looked like obsessively watching cooking shows and reading cooking magazines. What it looks like on hcg is me on pinterest looking at recipes, planning and counting days and making lists. I remember someone saying that their favorite thing about Mind:Body HCG was being able to just be, to let go of dieting and food obsession and tape into a creative side. I realize that I am not allowing myself the space from food to do that. So for the rest of this round I want to challenge myself in that way. I know that I am feeling discomfort emotionally in sine way and that's why I am looking for this distraction. But the point of this protocol is to isolate the discomfort, not to find new distractions. Obviously before I did not complete my round. I have continued to go to counseling, and I have observed that my binge eating has decreased, and my overall feelings about my body have improved. But that wasn't enough to keep my weight from skyrocketing to 235. That's right, that is my post load weight. I really feel that the key to me losing and maintaining is Robin's HCG method and the hunger scale. And I know as long as I haven't quit the journey continues.

Restricting maybe??

I just don't know if I am doing this like I am supposed to.

I keep having sweet cravings and honestly I am not always eating wih hunger. But what I am not sure of is whether or not I am still putting value to food, labelling food as good and bad and if this is causing a rebound effect of cravings. I tend to minch after the gym and at night, like always.

What am I hungry for?

Being normal

So for the past few wewks I have been trying to just be, without diet and weight goals, and without obsessing over an ideal weight. I have discovered a few things: 1) I don't want to be as skinny as I used to. I don't think it's my biggest goal to look like a war crime. 2) I like lifting weights, but I don't know what it is to lift or to design a program without an aesthetic goal. 3) I really do want to teach zumba 4) I cannot just let go without CONSCIENTIOUSLY trying to eat to hunger. So I am devoting a few days of blogging to food logs. Sorry if this bores my *only* follower.

Quitting is off the table, perfection is not the goal

In 10 days I have lost 12 pounds! I want to see how different this round is when quitting is totally off the table.

And I feel so different.  Even though I have cheated far more than is probably safe, I keep trying to look at it from an intellectual place, analyse and learn from it.  This round feels different.  I think I feel more committed to long term: not just long term as in the next 30 days but long term as in the rest of my life.

Since I was 11 years old I have fought my weight, fought my body, and fought my feelings.  I feel like Weight Loss Apocolypse, along with my spiritual foundation as a Jehovah's Witness has changed me profoundly.  It has been 6 months since I discovered this method of body awareness and mind/body HCG and I can say definitively that this has stuck.

It has been 5 months since I have looked in the mirror and thought I hated my body.

It has been 5 months since I have pinched fat on myself.

It has been 5 months since I have thought of staying home because I hated how I looked in my clothes.

It has been 5 months since I tried to "punish" myself in some way or another because of a number I saw on the scale.

Now, if I can just finish a FULL 40 day round, I will be a brand new person!  Hey, I think I already am!  Thank you Robin Phipps Woodall.

Day 8! Feeling great!!

Wow, I need to learn to use this blogger app. I was just trying to edit an old post for punctuation. This is from months ago.

Tomorrow is the day I put the scale away.  I have resolved that I will only weight every other week.  This Saturday, I will take measurements, next Saturday, I weigh.

I cheated AGAIN due to stress but you know what? For this round it's all about the follow through. I will do the 40 days because that was my commitment. And I still am not going to weight myself. Worry doesn't go away but this is the time that I must learn to deal  with  it

Robin's words after my last cheat on the FB group:  " If you cheat, observe your justifications, judgments, and your guilt. Cheating opens your eyes to observe your thoughts and your resulting behavior. they can be essential steps towards changing your relationship with food and your body permanently."

So now I will use these words as a tool to analyse what happened today.  Today I broke protocol.  Again.  In one week.  But I know, I have to let go of the idea of perfection.  The goal is to slowly change how I look at food and how I look at myself.  So . . .

My justifications:

  1.) I was baking cookies for the Step Up seniors at Roosevelt and I wanted to see how they tasted (had to make some recipe modifications.
  2.) My husband and I had a huge blow out fight and I was frustrated.
  3.) The food was left out and it looked good.

My judgments/guilt:

  1.) Now I have ruined my diet and I will be fat forever.
  2.) I might as well give up.  I am going to suffer through this round and lose nothing.
  3.) I might as well give up.  I am going to keep cheating and gain back more than I was at first.
  4.) I can't do this for myself so I must hate myself.
  5.) I am never going to lose weight or meet my goal of not emotionally eating.  Ever.

Thoughts:

I notice that one thing I left out when I was so upset and food was so available was how my body felt in that emotional space.  In fact I don't remember one thought I had in that moment.  I just remember being mad and shovelling food into my face.  Last week my goal was to observe my bodies' reaction to my feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings without judgment.  Just to see what my body feels like when my mind is in an uncomfortable situation.  I ate much more normally when I did that.  So what I learned from today is that it is imperative that I give myself a time out when those emotions start to surface ESPECIALLY when food is around.

I can do this. Still.

Goodbye grads . . . happy thoughts and worried confessions

Today I had the immeasurable privilege of seeing 12 of the students I have worked with for at least one year, and some more extensively through this year GRADUATE.  What a feeling!  So much excitement and so much stress, writing all of my thoughts and wishes for each of them down.  

Food was present in my mind all day.  I noticed that I was also hungry more than usual.  True, I am dealing with TOM, but I am concerned that there was an element of stress eating.  Or celebration eating?  Whatevs. Emotional eating, not need based eating.  

I still struggle with stopping eating when I am no longer hungry.  I know if I am not satisfied, if I am still hungry I will go get more, or another food option.  But if I have scooped it out I will consume it.  :/

While I am confessing, I better put this out in the universe: I have been weighing myself.  A lot.  Like, the first two days, at least twice a day.  The past two days I have only been weighing daily.  I know I need to put the scale away!!  

What am I looking for the scale to tell me?  I guess that I am making progress?  I don't know!  I know the real progress is what is gong on inside, what the scale cannot measure.  I know that if I change PERMANENTLY my view of food that my weight, looks, outward will eventually match the changes I make inside.  

So why the scale?

I will set a date.  Saturday.  I will note my weight for the week and ask my husband to put the scale away until next week.

Also I am scared that since I have been weighing so frequently, and since my body asked for a little more then protocol today, that I will be upset/frustrated/discouraged by my weight tomorrow.  Which is, I realize, one of the biggest reasons that Mind/Body HCG protocol recommends not weighing.  I have been challenged by Robin on the Facebook support group to accept a protocol round that is not perfect.  I will take my weigh in tomorrow as a challenge to do just that.

VLCP, Day 3. It wasn't worth it . . .

Hey all.  So I did my load, and I remembered the ice cream (although I never got my buffalo wings) and began on Saturday.  Preload weight was 219 (WOW).  Guess what happened Sunday?

I cheated.

My mom had a friend over who is from Lousiana.  She makes a fabulous gumbo and an even better rice dressing (think stuffing, like in turkey, but with rice.  It is AMAZING).  She brought over some spaghetti, one of my favorite foods.  There were meatballs in it AND hot links.  Somehow, I ended up being the one putting everything away . . . and the rest is history.

As soon as I took the first bite I thought: "This is not as good as I thought it would be."  Then downed bites 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 . . . it tasted like some straight up Chef Boy-ar-dee.  This was what I blew my protocol for ON THE SECOND DAY NO LESS.  I was furious.  I ran to the store to find some cookies to at least make the cheat worth it.  While I sat hiding on my mom's back porch eating the cookies, I thought about what I wanted the spaghetti to taste like.  I couldn't imagine.

In that moment, after I cheated on myself and my commitment I had made to changing myself and the way I viewed food, and even just my commitment to the idea of finishing what I promised myself, I couldn't imagine ONE THING that would have been so good it was worth letting myself down.  I need to remember this next time I want to cheat.  Nothing tastes good enough to break your trust with yourself, your COMMITMENT to yourself.

Back in the saddle . . . da da, dadadada . .

I have decided that the time for the HCG protocol redo is now. 

I originally stopped because of some crazy personal stuff that was going on, up to, but not only including the anniversary of one of my best friend's death, further revelations about why and how he died (like reliving it all), my current best friend moving to a place where she is almost inaccessible, and getting laid off.

Robin Phipps Woodall was the one that set me straight. 
 "A quick way to abruptly change direction is to stop telling yourself you'll fix the damages 

later."

Wow, Robin.  

I know that I have changed.  So much.  But honestly, friends, I was one step from 

crying over the scale . . . again.  Eating until I had acid reflux at every meal.  That ol' body

hatred cycle.  I was stuck and I couldn't figure out how to recapture my original enthusiasm 

but I knew I HAD to.

So I'm done.  I am not going to be that HCG bulimic that uses HCG instead of puking.  I want 

the me that I envisioned when I began that journey.  I need to go back and reread my own 

posts and reinspire myself.



I can't wait.

Just. Doing. BADDDDD.

So I realize that the past 4 days or so I have been eating and eating and eating.  Never when hungry, and often until I am sick.  I realize I have been sadder than usual, and even though Sunday was the anniversary of my best friend's death (one year) I feel like there is something else I need to face.  I have actually felt more at peace with losing my friend then I was a week ago.  And I realize how much I hate going to bed on a full stomach.  I can't sleep on it, never mind other night time activities I enjoy ;)  Even though I really tried to address and face my emotional issues that caused me to binge during the VLCP, I need to bring that practice of consciousness back into my everyday life.  I don't like how I feel right now.  I feel guilty for eating a whole batch of cookies, not to mention greedy.  I can't use my stomach muscles because they are too stretched out.

I hate this.

I have so much awareness of other addictive behaviors!  I had been having a (rather large) glass of wine every night.  I felt like I was looking forward to it too much, so I quit having it.  I am currently messing around with the idea of quitting coffee, especially when work ends for the school year.  I hate the idea of something external determining how I feel.

So why is food so hard to break free from?

The negative self talk has not returned, however.  I feel like if I don't get this binging under control, that is the only thing left to return.  The body obsession, self hating, scale obsessed woman that is embarrassed to look in the mirror or be in a picture.  I am still better than I was.

I have been going to the gym, doing zumba still, and lifting weights.  Feeling my body work and pushing it and observing it reach its limits is truly exhilarating.  I am grateful that my attitude towards working out has not changed.

The goal is the same . . .
 

ZZZZZUMBA!

Today, not ONCE did I feel past about a 5.5!  What a great feeling!  But my biggest revelation was in Zumba today.

For me, Zumba has been like a recovery of sorts.  My biggest stretches of disordered eating accompanied my participation in dance.  I would always look in the mirror and see "too fat to dance."  Seeing "too fat to dance" made me self conscious, overly critical of other girls and just a less joyful dancer.  After I read the book Chi Running, I saw why I had felt so unsuccessful   I always felt like I was just outside of something so beautiful and so perfect in my dance, but I had only skimmed it a couple times.  Those times that I felt such an intense joy and so full of every breath in my body that my movement couldn't help but be perfect.

What had stopped me from always being this way?  My body image.  Caused by my weight gain from emotional eating.  Which made me sad about being so big and not being able to dance like I wanted.  Which made me eat.  And sometimes throw up.

If I was skinny, I used to say.  If I was skinny I would be a star.  If I was skinny I could choreograph, I could partner, all of the teachers would drool over me and my feet, my flexibility.  But when I read Chi Running, about directing your Chi and feeling your breath flow through out your body with no impediments, I realized . . . I was my biggest impediment.  I didn't want to smile or have fun.  How could I smile if I couldn't get the moves as quick as other girls?  How could I get the moves when I was so busy thinking about my leotard showing my back fat?

So when I started Zumba, it was in the dark.  I felt the energy soaring through my body.  There was no judgement, only joy.  It was like making peace with my body and my movement, one of the fundamental ways I felt good expressing myself.

Now I belong to LA Fitness.  I am back in a dance studio with mirrors and a teacher.  Now, I know Zumba is not anything like a dance class.  But I am astonished at the way I jumped back into that negative dancer mentality.  One of my fellow Zumbaphiles was wearing jazz shoes and kept trying to do intricate moves between the dances we were doing.  I found myself judging her, instead of feeling her enjoyment in the movement.  Then I looked in the mirror at the blank look on my sweaty face.  I felt so good, why was I holding it in?  Was I jealous of the woman who was so freely . . . happy?

So I did it.  I just let go of my face and let it reflect the joy I felt.  It was scary.  But you know what?  I had so much more fun that way.  Just like I am working so hard to make peace with food and tune into what my body needs, one day I hope to make peace with my movement and to truly move from my heart, cut out the sound, the negative back talk and just dance.

Feel the pain, and do it anyway

It's been a rough, rough, ROUGH couple days.  I ate okay, but I feel like I have been going through life in a daze.  I feel my self slowly shutting myself off, slowly retreating back into old habits of quiet worry and isolation.  For a little while, I am losing my best friend due to some personal issues that she needs to resolve. I fully support her and what she needs to do.  On the other hand, I am very cognizant of the fact that talking to her and her support and being able to support her has been huge in my recovery from emotional eating.

She needs to do her right now.  And I need to do me.

But right now, I feel like it just hurts too much to figure out what that means.  Opening up my feelings to another person is the scariest thing that I can imagine.  Public speech? Heights? Dentist? HONESTY AND OPENNESS??  The words typed out sends me into a panic.

I feel frozen in time and space.  But I can't look back.  Yes, I ate a bag of some kind of potato puffs while totally not hungry.  Yes, I binged on split pea soup (easier then it sounds).  But the changes I have made are real.  I am going to the gym because I want to and because it feels good.  I am eating only when hungry about 85% of the time (still working on how to stop).  But I see progress.  And eating doesn't stop the pain.

This is my revolution.  This is my chance to do me.  And just like I tell my students, they are intelligent, strong, and they deserve their successes, I know I should say the same to myself.  I need to keep heeding my conscience, listening to my heart, and staying tuned in to my body.

I want to imitate Rilla Gibson (http://mindbodyhcg.wordpress.com/).  She has been logging daily using the hunger scale to increase her self awareness.  While I want to continue being gentle with myself I want to limit mindless eating and increase my own awareness of my patterns.

Hunger & Fullness Scale

Hunger Scale:
1 - Disparaging
2 - Critical
3 - Urgent
4 - Patient
5 - Content

Fullness Scale:
6 - Satisfied
7 - Satiated
8 - Full
9 - Discomfort
10 - Pain

"Eat cautiously, introduce fats slowly, and keep hunger between a 3.5 and 5.5. Avoid getting too hungry and overly satiated." (Source: Mind Body Method Workbook)

Successes with a side order of dysfunction

Howdy.  I have not fallen off of the face of the earth.  At last writing I was off of the HCG protocol for a while.  I am still off.  Eating when hungry has still proven a challenge to me, but I am glad to say that I have not gained weight since going off protocol.  I also have not been weighing as often as I used to, and I feel like my whole attitude about my size has changed.  My self talk has changed.  I see changes inside, and I know eventually the outside will catch up.  My husband surprised me with a gym membership that includes Zumba, and I LOVE zumba.  I have even toyed with the idea of becoming an instructor.  I also have been trying green coffee beans.

The bad: I still am emotionally eating.  Even binging a little, though not half as much as I used to.  I am (temporarily) losing my best friend due to some life stuff, and now I am 15 days from the death last year of my other best friend.  So I have some sadness I will need to decide how to deal with.

I feel I need to continue to document my journey.  I am dealing with TOM now, and I have yet to decide if I want to return to the protocol after.  I feel like right now I am enjoying the gym membership and the Zumba classes, and I want to continue to work on eating when hungry.  If I can JUST eat when I am hungry, that will be a huge success for me.  The next success will be stopping when I am full.  I am looking at the small goals right now, and the long run.

I am not in a rush.  I will be this new me for a LOOOOOONG time.

A Break

I have decided to continue working on eating to hunger and not binging without the HCG protocol.  For now.  I thought about this for three days and I feel like this is not the right time.  Some kind of huge and major stuff came up in my life, and I feel like I really need to be mentally available 100%.  Even though I was trying to make it simple, prepping my meals ahead and all, it just wasn't working.  This will be a long journey and I am still on it, just a different phase (for now).  I am going to continue blogging about my journey away from binge eating and using this outlet for the feelings I cannot eat to cover up.

Like Learning To Ride a Bike . . .

Today was a huge day for me. I learned how to ride a bike for the first time today! I learned in a public park with people around and I just focused on what I had to do. It was hard and the thought crossed my mind that maybe I just COULDN'T do it. But this was my time! It took two hours and paying a pro 75 smackers for two hours. And yes, I stumbled, I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I had to learn to do things differently. But eventually O was able to trust the body mechanics and the physics that cause that effortless forward motion. At 33, I finally am a bike rider.

I have tried to find a natural way to eat and live for years. Now is my time. My days as an emotionally driven self condemning, controlling, losing control, excuse making dieter are already fading  into my history. Yes, I will stumble. I might feel awkward or unnatural. But I know I will be able to trust my body soon. To let go and let my body care for itself in a way I never have. The same effortless forward motion towards freedom from diets and harmful body image thoughts. I will get there.

Today I was so hungry all day. I still ate to hunger, all protein (not by choice). I will be honest, I'm feeling a little freaked. But weight loss or not, I was successful because I can say I ate to hunger. No no complaints!

I WILL GET THERE!!!


The hunger is so hard to name right now . . . I feel like it's emotional maybe.  I have this sense that a binge is just looming over me . . . Watching Robin right now.  I got this y'all.

This is my goal, people.  To be the girl on this video:

Not Robin :)  The one she is talking to.  I know I will get there.  I know I will be able to trust this process.  Today I had a great day eating to hunger, but I find that all morning I am drinking coffee.  I also worry that I am leaning too hard on coconut oil.  I actually want to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm sorry!) just to confirm that I am doing okay even with the coconut oil.  If I am still going down, then I will give my scale to my mom and I will fall into trust . . . eyes closed, mind open . . .

I want to be able to see myself accomplishing SOLID GOALS.  I am fitting into older clothes, but nothing shocking to me.  But I am wary of making my motivation body size related.  I cannot say that right now I love my body, but I don't hate it, and I feel like I am able to coexist with it in friendship for the first time ever.  I mean, I am not putting down parts of my body or punishing it with too much food.  I am just listening.

It feels good.

Done With Week 1!!

I really still want to weigh myself.  I keep thinking about how much I can lose and how many rounds I can do and . . . I am trying to keep myself from spiraling into this "dieting" mentality.

So I am going to celebrate my success, and hope that this energy generates more success.

I only weighed myself once!  For me, that is a huge success.  I have been known to weigh at least twice a day when I am actively trying to lose weight.  

I feel like I really do know when I am hungry.  The past two days I feel like I have felt hunger.  I feel like for the first time in my life I am feeling hungry and eating and stopping when I am not hungry.  That is my goal, and I have begun to reach it.

Now is the practice.  I need to finish this protocol so that I can be used to eating when hungry and stopping when I am satisfied (or before).  I know this is going to be tough but I have to let this become a HABIT.  I have to watch Robin's videos and I have to remember my goals.

YAY ME!!  

10 Reasons Not To Weigh 

During Mind/Body Hcg Protocol Round

1. If I gain weight, or stall, I might give up and eat everything in sight.
2. If I lose weight, I might be too happy and eat everything in sight.
3. Weight loss does not give me any information about how I have done eating to hunger.  Only I can give that information.  The scale can take that power from me.
4. Weight says nothing about fat gain, loss, or shifts.
5. Focusing on weight will orient my thinking back to size and body image and away from my goal: to eat in response to HUNGER and break the cycle of emotional eating.
6. Monitoring my weight will change my goal to a weight loss amount rather than the weight loss being a side effect of being a healthier, happier, person.
7. Whether or not I weigh myself, the magic will happen . . . so let it be magical!
8. I don't want my kids seeing me on the scale multiple times a day (I always start with weighing once, then twice, usually three times).
9. Before this, not weighing myself has been a symptom of me giving up.  From now on, I want not weighing to be associated with being more and more in tune with my body rather than needing an appliance to give me the 411.
10. I decided I would not do it, and I want to keep my commitment to myself!

I did give in and weigh myself, and I don't know why.  I hadn't weighed myself since about a week before I began my protocol so I don't really know what the number means.  206.4 was my weight.  I guess when I am done I can use this number to have an idea of what I lost.  But I can't care about that.

I have bigger fish to poach.

8 Reasons I Would Rather Defeat Emotional Eating

Then Lose Weight

1. I can gain the weight back.  If I quit emotional eating, I will not have a mind that leads my body down that path.
2. You can be a skinny bulimic or anorexic.  I want to be a role model more than I want to be a fashion model.
3. I want to trust my body, not control it.
4. I want to love and respect my body, not hate and fight it.
5. If I only eat when I am hungry, I don't have to worry about getting sick, hormonal issues like PMS or TOM.  I can have confidence that my body will take care of business.
6. I like food, and I don't want it to become my enemy.
7. I am more tired of the dieting roller coaster then I am of being fat.  So why not end the madness in a way that will give me the full happy ending I want?
8. I can eat whatever I want a stay a healthy size! (Except I will have changed what I want and when I want it)

This hunger thing is trickier than I thought.  I keep analyzing and reanalyzing yesterday, because I feel like everything was mentally and emotionally in the right place.  Why the fall?

I have come up with two reasons.

1.) Maybe I WAS hungry.  I ignore my hunger so much, especially busy times during the day.  When I was pregnant sometimes I would wait until I was actually dizzy to eat.  Maybe I misread, and the empty, stomach gnawing feeling was hunger.  I was waiting for pain, or to feel like I had to have food.  Maybe that isn't what it looks like for me.

2.) I may not have been getting enough water.  I usually drink coffee and don't really drink water until nightfall (with the rest of my calories).  This will not be a way to be successful on the HCG protocol.

Today was okay, I ate really light for a protocol day but I ate when I felt that empty hunger.

The biggest thing I encountered today on my journal was a challenge from my therapist.  She was excited to see that I was trying to shift my thinking on weight loss, body image, etc.  She saw a road bump:

What about your inner critic?  Can you spend this week really tuning in to what that voice is saying, and when it is talking?  Not just about dieting, not just about your body, but about anything . . .

Wow.  Like most people I notice my inner critic.  I mostly notice it when I look in the mirror.  Or when I used to weigh myself.

Do I feed myself in response to the negative energy generated by my inner critic?

I asked myself this question:  What if I finish this journey, and my body settles at a size 10?  Mind you, right now I am a size 14 (sometimes a little more depending of the style).   Would I be able to stand up to that voice and say "I'm done, my body is at a healthy weight, and size?"  Right now, the answer is no.  I couldn't face myself in the mirror and see that as my destination.  But what if that is what my body needs?  My inner critic is going to have to learn to line up with my body, we are all in this together!

Me, all of me, is going to have to decide I am good enough.

How does your inner critic affect how and what you eat?

I ain't even gonna lie y'all.  I came downstairs after a long and HECTIC day.  The kind of day where you are beckoned by fast food and frappacinos because you "deserve" something that feels good.  We ended the day at Chuck E. Cheese, and the social eating reared its head.  The family we were there with were eating and enjoying themselves and so were both of my sons and my husband.  I passed these tests.  Then I put my youngest down.  I felt proud that I had done so well today.  I still was not hungry.  But it is NIGHT.  My husband was nowhere to be seen and this is what I see on the dining room table:

Ohhhhh . . . I felt like I needed those chips.  Like I earned them.  What a rough day, and I don't even know how this is doing.  Besides, I thought, I barely ate ANYTHING the past two days . . .

And then my husband walked in and snapped me back to reality.

And now I sit typing and listening to my stomach.  Is it just growling (peristalsis) or am I hungry?

I will wait.

Social eating is a weird thing.  It is not as cut and dry as either party would preach, in my opinion.  Social eating is natural for humans.  The first meal we have is social, and loaded with associative reinforcement and emotional meaning.  Right after birth, we feel so cold and alone and in such an unfamiliar surrounding, and we hear our mother's voice, her heart, taste the familiar taste of amniotic fluid that comes from the Montgomery glands in the areola.  We gaze into our mother's eyes, and we EAT.  There is an aspect of social eating that builds relationships and creates community, and this is a cross cultural phenomona that is part of the fabric of human society from time immemorial.

What is NOT a universalism is the cultural attachment to gluttony that Robin so eloquently addresses in her book.  And I look at myself in the phase of my transformation in the same way alcoholics look at themselves in rehab.  I cannot eat socially until I learn to coexist with food in a non disordered manner.  I must learn what my body needs and what those senses feel like and that must be my focus.  When I have that down, I will try eating HCG meals (protein and veggie)  rather than splitting them up by food group so that I can tell when I am no longer hungry without having the "finish your food" syndrome.  When I have that down, I will be adding foods (Phase 3).  When I have that down, I will add more foods (Phase 4).  When I have that down, I will experiment with social eating.

I have a long way to go.  But I KNOW it will be worth it.  Then, yes, I will have a slice of pizza with a friend at a predesignated time.  I will be in-tuned to my body by then, and I will know when to stop.

:)



But not with food!!

************UPDATE*************

I ate until I was not hungry.  But I wanted more sooooo bad.  So I decided on Miracle Noodles.  A cheat but not a cheat.  But while I loved Miracle Noodles during my first protocol, I forgot that I HATE them now.  So guess what I did to get that nasty taste out of my system?

You already know, if you in any way relate to this blog.

I inhaled those chips, plus half of a sandwich and a couple of other things laying around.

Why??  Why do I do this?  It does NOT taste good at all . . . I go back to the initial trigger that sent me on this spiral . . . it was wanting more after than first protein serving.  Why did I want more?  I think it was the television.

I have a STRONG association with late eating and television.  Really, with eating alone and television.  I have to break this association.  I think the best way would be to not watch television alone at night.

It is drastic.  But I am tired of living this way, and something has to change.

Let's go (again).

"What does it feel like to be hungry?  Because I don't think I really know."

My mom asked me that when I explained the philosophy of Weight Loss Apocolypse's version of the HCG protocol.  I explained that my primary work on this, my second round of the HCG protocol, was not to lose the 70 pounds I have been belly aching about for 75% of my life.  My work is learning when I am hungry and when I am not.  

I went over and over and over this in my head, this question . . . I told my mom something about physical hunger, stomachs growling, something . . . but here I am in Day three, after eating 2 protein servings and one fruit . . .

And I don't know if I am hungry.

I'm watching television after my sons are in bed.  I usually eat during this.  I feel an emptiness in my stomach but I wouldn't say it's hunger . . .

I thought back to the times that I didn't think about eating as a hobby - that's what it is, right?  A hobby.  When did I eat to be nourished?  When did I eat in a way that respected my body?

I sometimes work as part of a facilitation team that does life changing summer camps for youth.  I have worked about four of them and I remember the stress of it.  I remember the late nights and early mornings.  Every meal was all you can eat.  Many people munched non stop, and at one of the camps I was pregnant.  But at camp I was so focused on the experience of the kids that I postponed eating until I finished whatever work was at hand.  Or until I caught that girl who was crying during one of the pieces.  Or until I finished writing my appreciations.  Yes, the food was camp food, and yes, I ate gummy worms and s'mores.  But my focus was not on avoiding or eating food.  My focus was on THE MOMENT.

How can I bring the honor and respect that I carry for my students and their experience into my life?  I must practice what I preach.  I cannot tell them that they can achieve anything, that they must value themselves, that they must be present and take their opportunity to change without taking mine.  

After camp we always were saddened that kids lose much of camp.  They arrive late to class.  They return to substance abuse.  They bottle up their feelings.

I never realized that camp set me up for a new beginning also.  I must take advantage of it.

Night all.  Gonna watch one of Robin Phipps Woodall's videos and try to stay away from that last melba toast.

The Hunger Scale from Robin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVCIWZ-WFc4

I used to keep a "20 skinny list," 20 things I wanted to do when I am skinny.
Now I see my weight as a side effect of my emotional eating.  And my obsession with thinness was just the thing to make me feel like a failure when I over indulged in "bad" foods, driving me to (guess what?) overeat MORE.  Hence the cycle.

So I am making a list of the 20 things I will do when I am free of emotional eating:
1.) Go to a restaurant without worrying about breaking a diet, just enjoying the company of others.
2.) Have friendships without constant discussions of weight loss.
3.) Exercise because it feels so GOOOOOD.
4.) Enjoy the side effects that come from a healthy attitude about food: smaller clothes, a fit body, etc.
5.) Be happy in the knowledge that I can nourish myself and feed my spiritual side, not obsessively thinking about eating or avoiding food.
6.) Have fun all day!
7.) Be a good role model to my children.
8.) Avoid the discomfort of overeating: bloating, nausea, sometimes diarrhea and gas.
9.) Listen to and respect my body's needs.
10.) Be free to watch television, go to the store, drive a long distance, or stay up past 8 p.m. without eating mindlessly.
11.) ENJOY food when I do eat it, fully and with all my consciousness.
12.) Look beautiful because I love myself, not because I am thin.
13.) Not have to have my husband feel the need to label his food for fear I will eat it all in a night time binge.
14.) Be a positive role model for the youth a work with - they will see a woman who has reached a goal and glows with the self actualization that accompanies that.
15.) Have the mental space to be creative.
16.) Save money by buying only the food I really need.
17.) Trusting my hunger means freedom from scales, calorie counting, portion sizing and all other restricting.
18.) Eating what my mind and body wants without guilt or fear, but with trust in my body.
19.) Be REAL, not stuffing down feelings, thoughts and words with food.
20.) Stop worrying about being judged because of my size.

I did it!!!  And I WILL do it.

I finished loading, and I didn't even know it.  I misread and thought I was supposed to do three loading days instead of two (which I completed).  I am planning on 6 weeks, so my first thought was "OH NO!!!!!  I forgot to eat ICE CREAM!!!!"

But you see, that is my problem.  There is always going to be one more thing I need to eat.  One more thing I need in my life.  One more piece of happiness before I can let go and begin this process.

No more.  Tomorrow I begin my emotional eating rehab.  I am not going to be that girl eating everything because it's there, I love my body more than that!  I am not going to be that girl crying in my popcorn every night, I am better than that!  I hope this blog will document my journey to wellness and self care.

I hope at the end of this I can truly believe that I am enough.  That my relationship with God is enough.  And that I can find what I am really hungry for.