A Break

I have decided to continue working on eating to hunger and not binging without the HCG protocol.  For now.  I thought about this for three days and I feel like this is not the right time.  Some kind of huge and major stuff came up in my life, and I feel like I really need to be mentally available 100%.  Even though I was trying to make it simple, prepping my meals ahead and all, it just wasn't working.  This will be a long journey and I am still on it, just a different phase (for now).  I am going to continue blogging about my journey away from binge eating and using this outlet for the feelings I cannot eat to cover up.

Like Learning To Ride a Bike . . .

Today was a huge day for me. I learned how to ride a bike for the first time today! I learned in a public park with people around and I just focused on what I had to do. It was hard and the thought crossed my mind that maybe I just COULDN'T do it. But this was my time! It took two hours and paying a pro 75 smackers for two hours. And yes, I stumbled, I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I had to learn to do things differently. But eventually O was able to trust the body mechanics and the physics that cause that effortless forward motion. At 33, I finally am a bike rider.

I have tried to find a natural way to eat and live for years. Now is my time. My days as an emotionally driven self condemning, controlling, losing control, excuse making dieter are already fading  into my history. Yes, I will stumble. I might feel awkward or unnatural. But I know I will be able to trust my body soon. To let go and let my body care for itself in a way I never have. The same effortless forward motion towards freedom from diets and harmful body image thoughts. I will get there.

Today I was so hungry all day. I still ate to hunger, all protein (not by choice). I will be honest, I'm feeling a little freaked. But weight loss or not, I was successful because I can say I ate to hunger. No no complaints!

I WILL GET THERE!!!


The hunger is so hard to name right now . . . I feel like it's emotional maybe.  I have this sense that a binge is just looming over me . . . Watching Robin right now.  I got this y'all.

This is my goal, people.  To be the girl on this video:

Not Robin :)  The one she is talking to.  I know I will get there.  I know I will be able to trust this process.  Today I had a great day eating to hunger, but I find that all morning I am drinking coffee.  I also worry that I am leaning too hard on coconut oil.  I actually want to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm sorry!) just to confirm that I am doing okay even with the coconut oil.  If I am still going down, then I will give my scale to my mom and I will fall into trust . . . eyes closed, mind open . . .

I want to be able to see myself accomplishing SOLID GOALS.  I am fitting into older clothes, but nothing shocking to me.  But I am wary of making my motivation body size related.  I cannot say that right now I love my body, but I don't hate it, and I feel like I am able to coexist with it in friendship for the first time ever.  I mean, I am not putting down parts of my body or punishing it with too much food.  I am just listening.

It feels good.

Done With Week 1!!

I really still want to weigh myself.  I keep thinking about how much I can lose and how many rounds I can do and . . . I am trying to keep myself from spiraling into this "dieting" mentality.

So I am going to celebrate my success, and hope that this energy generates more success.

I only weighed myself once!  For me, that is a huge success.  I have been known to weigh at least twice a day when I am actively trying to lose weight.  

I feel like I really do know when I am hungry.  The past two days I feel like I have felt hunger.  I feel like for the first time in my life I am feeling hungry and eating and stopping when I am not hungry.  That is my goal, and I have begun to reach it.

Now is the practice.  I need to finish this protocol so that I can be used to eating when hungry and stopping when I am satisfied (or before).  I know this is going to be tough but I have to let this become a HABIT.  I have to watch Robin's videos and I have to remember my goals.

YAY ME!!  

10 Reasons Not To Weigh 

During Mind/Body Hcg Protocol Round

1. If I gain weight, or stall, I might give up and eat everything in sight.
2. If I lose weight, I might be too happy and eat everything in sight.
3. Weight loss does not give me any information about how I have done eating to hunger.  Only I can give that information.  The scale can take that power from me.
4. Weight says nothing about fat gain, loss, or shifts.
5. Focusing on weight will orient my thinking back to size and body image and away from my goal: to eat in response to HUNGER and break the cycle of emotional eating.
6. Monitoring my weight will change my goal to a weight loss amount rather than the weight loss being a side effect of being a healthier, happier, person.
7. Whether or not I weigh myself, the magic will happen . . . so let it be magical!
8. I don't want my kids seeing me on the scale multiple times a day (I always start with weighing once, then twice, usually three times).
9. Before this, not weighing myself has been a symptom of me giving up.  From now on, I want not weighing to be associated with being more and more in tune with my body rather than needing an appliance to give me the 411.
10. I decided I would not do it, and I want to keep my commitment to myself!

I did give in and weigh myself, and I don't know why.  I hadn't weighed myself since about a week before I began my protocol so I don't really know what the number means.  206.4 was my weight.  I guess when I am done I can use this number to have an idea of what I lost.  But I can't care about that.

I have bigger fish to poach.

8 Reasons I Would Rather Defeat Emotional Eating

Then Lose Weight

1. I can gain the weight back.  If I quit emotional eating, I will not have a mind that leads my body down that path.
2. You can be a skinny bulimic or anorexic.  I want to be a role model more than I want to be a fashion model.
3. I want to trust my body, not control it.
4. I want to love and respect my body, not hate and fight it.
5. If I only eat when I am hungry, I don't have to worry about getting sick, hormonal issues like PMS or TOM.  I can have confidence that my body will take care of business.
6. I like food, and I don't want it to become my enemy.
7. I am more tired of the dieting roller coaster then I am of being fat.  So why not end the madness in a way that will give me the full happy ending I want?
8. I can eat whatever I want a stay a healthy size! (Except I will have changed what I want and when I want it)

This hunger thing is trickier than I thought.  I keep analyzing and reanalyzing yesterday, because I feel like everything was mentally and emotionally in the right place.  Why the fall?

I have come up with two reasons.

1.) Maybe I WAS hungry.  I ignore my hunger so much, especially busy times during the day.  When I was pregnant sometimes I would wait until I was actually dizzy to eat.  Maybe I misread, and the empty, stomach gnawing feeling was hunger.  I was waiting for pain, or to feel like I had to have food.  Maybe that isn't what it looks like for me.

2.) I may not have been getting enough water.  I usually drink coffee and don't really drink water until nightfall (with the rest of my calories).  This will not be a way to be successful on the HCG protocol.

Today was okay, I ate really light for a protocol day but I ate when I felt that empty hunger.

The biggest thing I encountered today on my journal was a challenge from my therapist.  She was excited to see that I was trying to shift my thinking on weight loss, body image, etc.  She saw a road bump:

What about your inner critic?  Can you spend this week really tuning in to what that voice is saying, and when it is talking?  Not just about dieting, not just about your body, but about anything . . .

Wow.  Like most people I notice my inner critic.  I mostly notice it when I look in the mirror.  Or when I used to weigh myself.

Do I feed myself in response to the negative energy generated by my inner critic?

I asked myself this question:  What if I finish this journey, and my body settles at a size 10?  Mind you, right now I am a size 14 (sometimes a little more depending of the style).   Would I be able to stand up to that voice and say "I'm done, my body is at a healthy weight, and size?"  Right now, the answer is no.  I couldn't face myself in the mirror and see that as my destination.  But what if that is what my body needs?  My inner critic is going to have to learn to line up with my body, we are all in this together!

Me, all of me, is going to have to decide I am good enough.

How does your inner critic affect how and what you eat?

I ain't even gonna lie y'all.  I came downstairs after a long and HECTIC day.  The kind of day where you are beckoned by fast food and frappacinos because you "deserve" something that feels good.  We ended the day at Chuck E. Cheese, and the social eating reared its head.  The family we were there with were eating and enjoying themselves and so were both of my sons and my husband.  I passed these tests.  Then I put my youngest down.  I felt proud that I had done so well today.  I still was not hungry.  But it is NIGHT.  My husband was nowhere to be seen and this is what I see on the dining room table:

Ohhhhh . . . I felt like I needed those chips.  Like I earned them.  What a rough day, and I don't even know how this is doing.  Besides, I thought, I barely ate ANYTHING the past two days . . .

And then my husband walked in and snapped me back to reality.

And now I sit typing and listening to my stomach.  Is it just growling (peristalsis) or am I hungry?

I will wait.

Social eating is a weird thing.  It is not as cut and dry as either party would preach, in my opinion.  Social eating is natural for humans.  The first meal we have is social, and loaded with associative reinforcement and emotional meaning.  Right after birth, we feel so cold and alone and in such an unfamiliar surrounding, and we hear our mother's voice, her heart, taste the familiar taste of amniotic fluid that comes from the Montgomery glands in the areola.  We gaze into our mother's eyes, and we EAT.  There is an aspect of social eating that builds relationships and creates community, and this is a cross cultural phenomona that is part of the fabric of human society from time immemorial.

What is NOT a universalism is the cultural attachment to gluttony that Robin so eloquently addresses in her book.  And I look at myself in the phase of my transformation in the same way alcoholics look at themselves in rehab.  I cannot eat socially until I learn to coexist with food in a non disordered manner.  I must learn what my body needs and what those senses feel like and that must be my focus.  When I have that down, I will try eating HCG meals (protein and veggie)  rather than splitting them up by food group so that I can tell when I am no longer hungry without having the "finish your food" syndrome.  When I have that down, I will be adding foods (Phase 3).  When I have that down, I will add more foods (Phase 4).  When I have that down, I will experiment with social eating.

I have a long way to go.  But I KNOW it will be worth it.  Then, yes, I will have a slice of pizza with a friend at a predesignated time.  I will be in-tuned to my body by then, and I will know when to stop.

:)



But not with food!!

************UPDATE*************

I ate until I was not hungry.  But I wanted more sooooo bad.  So I decided on Miracle Noodles.  A cheat but not a cheat.  But while I loved Miracle Noodles during my first protocol, I forgot that I HATE them now.  So guess what I did to get that nasty taste out of my system?

You already know, if you in any way relate to this blog.

I inhaled those chips, plus half of a sandwich and a couple of other things laying around.

Why??  Why do I do this?  It does NOT taste good at all . . . I go back to the initial trigger that sent me on this spiral . . . it was wanting more after than first protein serving.  Why did I want more?  I think it was the television.

I have a STRONG association with late eating and television.  Really, with eating alone and television.  I have to break this association.  I think the best way would be to not watch television alone at night.

It is drastic.  But I am tired of living this way, and something has to change.

Let's go (again).

"What does it feel like to be hungry?  Because I don't think I really know."

My mom asked me that when I explained the philosophy of Weight Loss Apocolypse's version of the HCG protocol.  I explained that my primary work on this, my second round of the HCG protocol, was not to lose the 70 pounds I have been belly aching about for 75% of my life.  My work is learning when I am hungry and when I am not.  

I went over and over and over this in my head, this question . . . I told my mom something about physical hunger, stomachs growling, something . . . but here I am in Day three, after eating 2 protein servings and one fruit . . .

And I don't know if I am hungry.

I'm watching television after my sons are in bed.  I usually eat during this.  I feel an emptiness in my stomach but I wouldn't say it's hunger . . .

I thought back to the times that I didn't think about eating as a hobby - that's what it is, right?  A hobby.  When did I eat to be nourished?  When did I eat in a way that respected my body?

I sometimes work as part of a facilitation team that does life changing summer camps for youth.  I have worked about four of them and I remember the stress of it.  I remember the late nights and early mornings.  Every meal was all you can eat.  Many people munched non stop, and at one of the camps I was pregnant.  But at camp I was so focused on the experience of the kids that I postponed eating until I finished whatever work was at hand.  Or until I caught that girl who was crying during one of the pieces.  Or until I finished writing my appreciations.  Yes, the food was camp food, and yes, I ate gummy worms and s'mores.  But my focus was not on avoiding or eating food.  My focus was on THE MOMENT.

How can I bring the honor and respect that I carry for my students and their experience into my life?  I must practice what I preach.  I cannot tell them that they can achieve anything, that they must value themselves, that they must be present and take their opportunity to change without taking mine.  

After camp we always were saddened that kids lose much of camp.  They arrive late to class.  They return to substance abuse.  They bottle up their feelings.

I never realized that camp set me up for a new beginning also.  I must take advantage of it.

Night all.  Gonna watch one of Robin Phipps Woodall's videos and try to stay away from that last melba toast.

The Hunger Scale from Robin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVCIWZ-WFc4

I used to keep a "20 skinny list," 20 things I wanted to do when I am skinny.
Now I see my weight as a side effect of my emotional eating.  And my obsession with thinness was just the thing to make me feel like a failure when I over indulged in "bad" foods, driving me to (guess what?) overeat MORE.  Hence the cycle.

So I am making a list of the 20 things I will do when I am free of emotional eating:
1.) Go to a restaurant without worrying about breaking a diet, just enjoying the company of others.
2.) Have friendships without constant discussions of weight loss.
3.) Exercise because it feels so GOOOOOD.
4.) Enjoy the side effects that come from a healthy attitude about food: smaller clothes, a fit body, etc.
5.) Be happy in the knowledge that I can nourish myself and feed my spiritual side, not obsessively thinking about eating or avoiding food.
6.) Have fun all day!
7.) Be a good role model to my children.
8.) Avoid the discomfort of overeating: bloating, nausea, sometimes diarrhea and gas.
9.) Listen to and respect my body's needs.
10.) Be free to watch television, go to the store, drive a long distance, or stay up past 8 p.m. without eating mindlessly.
11.) ENJOY food when I do eat it, fully and with all my consciousness.
12.) Look beautiful because I love myself, not because I am thin.
13.) Not have to have my husband feel the need to label his food for fear I will eat it all in a night time binge.
14.) Be a positive role model for the youth a work with - they will see a woman who has reached a goal and glows with the self actualization that accompanies that.
15.) Have the mental space to be creative.
16.) Save money by buying only the food I really need.
17.) Trusting my hunger means freedom from scales, calorie counting, portion sizing and all other restricting.
18.) Eating what my mind and body wants without guilt or fear, but with trust in my body.
19.) Be REAL, not stuffing down feelings, thoughts and words with food.
20.) Stop worrying about being judged because of my size.

I did it!!!  And I WILL do it.

I finished loading, and I didn't even know it.  I misread and thought I was supposed to do three loading days instead of two (which I completed).  I am planning on 6 weeks, so my first thought was "OH NO!!!!!  I forgot to eat ICE CREAM!!!!"

But you see, that is my problem.  There is always going to be one more thing I need to eat.  One more thing I need in my life.  One more piece of happiness before I can let go and begin this process.

No more.  Tomorrow I begin my emotional eating rehab.  I am not going to be that girl eating everything because it's there, I love my body more than that!  I am not going to be that girl crying in my popcorn every night, I am better than that!  I hope this blog will document my journey to wellness and self care.

I hope at the end of this I can truly believe that I am enough.  That my relationship with God is enough.  And that I can find what I am really hungry for.