Skin Brushing: A Love Story

So today is day 6 on my current VLCP on hcg. My total loss is 7 pounds and currently TOM is in full swing. I ran out of drops for a whole day, so the timing on that couldn't have been better.

I have between skin brushing every morning. I found a link with picture instructions: http://greensmoothiegirl.com/articles/healthy-habits/skin-brushing/

It. Is. Wonderful. I had tried it before with the simple "brush toward the heart" instructions, but using these instructions have made a difference I never had seen. My skin is soft and glowing, I'm not at all constipated, and when I do it, I feel so great. Its likemaking peace with my body, every part. Spending a few second just on my thighs, or hips, or abdomen . . . like saying, "thank you, thighs, for supporting me, hips, thanks for supporting my pregnancies, let me take care of you now. Abdomen, you've been through it with the surgeries and babies. Thank you for your hard work."

I felt positive all day. I recommend the skin brushing on so many levels.

Just Do It. Never Quit.

I was reading back through this blog and it is amazing to me how many times I have attempted and how many times I have not completed my goal for a protocol. I have gained a bit of weight and I am above when I first started this. My highest recent weight is 240.

Sounds like all failure, right? Not at all! I have not binged in months. I enjoy getting dressed and even though I still have fat thoughts, they don't plague me like they used to. Although I haven't been eating the most nutritionally, I have been able to eat with less judgment. I feel like this progress equals more than a hundred pounds in terms of my mental health.

In other news, I am on day 5 of another round one. My main goal is a successful phase three. I want to lose at least 50 pounds, but my plan is to keep going until I am losing 3 pounds or less a week and then transitioning to phase 3. I want to do phase 3 with some of the leptin reset principles. And then take a break from dieting and try living before another round.

VCLP day 18. My body is putting in work!

I have really been taking the time to notice how great I feel. No need for coffee, I am full of natural energy. I've been sleepy at night. One thing I am trying to do is take a probiotic every day. Since I don't usually eat the melba, I can use this as a yeast cleanse. I also take a third of a Triphala, which helps with elimination. I feel like I even am thinking more clearly!

Last night I knew I was going to cheat. I didn't plan on it, but I was alone, and I didn't see an end in sight to the grudge match going on here in my house. Instead, I sat on the couch and talked to myself. I told myself that I knew I needed to feel heard. I knew I wanted that crunch to just let my jaw lose and distract myself from the unfairness of this ridiculous stand off. I sat with my hands over my eyes. Then I prayed. And I sat waiting for the urge to pass.

And it did.

VCLP day 18. My body is putting in work!

I have really been taking the time to notice how great I feel. No need for coffee, I am full of natural energy. I've been sleepy at night. One thing I am trying to do is take a probiotic every day. Since I don't usually eat the melba, I can use this as a yeast cleanse. I also take a third of a Triphala, which helps with elimination. I feel like I even am thinking more clearly!

Last night I knew I was going to cheat. I didn't plan on it, but I was alone, and I didn't see an end in sight to the grudge match going on here in my house. Instead, I sat on the couch and talked to myself. I told myself that I knew I needed to feel heard. I knew I wanted that crunch to just let my jaw lose and distract myself from the unfairness of this ridiculous stand off. I say with my hands over my eyes. Then I prayed. And I say waiting for the urge to pass.

And it did.

Past 2 days

The past two days have been really really rough. It started with a big fight with my after which he left. My most vulnerable time for a binge is when I am alone. Add in the frustration of the argument and it was just all bad. Yesterday was the same.

I keep telling myself that every time I give in to eating emotionally I give those feelings, habits and addictions more power. I tell myself not to judge myself for eating off protocol (I'm not binging, at least), and that I sympathize with my actions rather than feeling guilty. I gained 2 pounds over the past two days, also. We'll see how tonight goes.

VLCD 13. The trap of commercial satisfaction

I just watched this video from Robin Phillips Woodall, the one about the mother whose dieting affected her son.  I have heard, over and over again, that the cult of the good body is akin to the dieting cult.  I was listening to this song, and it struck me: which ever part of this deficit based society you buy into, it requires that same kind of crazy.  Because once you have that body, you would give anything to maintain it.  Once you have that house, that car, that look, those clothes, IT defines who you are.  You are no longer in control of your fate, the very clothes, car, size, etc that gave you the life you thought you wanted are now the things your life depends on.  Think about those "celebrities" who have lost their fame and have done just about anything to gain it back, or to achieve it at another level.  

That is not a life.  It's a trap.


Today I avoided the coffee with too much milk, but there was another issue. 
I am not spacing out my drops well. These led me to eat brussel sprouts roasted in a little oil. 
I think I got too hungry because it was 12 hours between my first and second doses.

VCLP 12: In the thick of it

I have to admit: I have been subbing a Café Misto for a meat serving for the past three days. I don't know if it's the worst thing, or proof that I won't commit to the diet or evidence that I was hugged too much as a child. I'm not mad at myself for it. But I think I'm quitting it. I understand where Robin is coming from when she emphasizes that these are HORMONES we're messing with. Hormones we don't fully understand. So if I say my goal is body rehab, not just weight loss, I need to set my body up for a good clean reboot-not just a quick drop.

Here are the health problems I have gained with the extra weight:
Achy joints
Reflux
Rashes
Diarrhea
Worsened Asthma
High blood pressure

I'm so glad I'm putting my body first and taking this seriously.

VCLP day 6. Setbacks and Improvements

So the bad first. I weighed today. I felt really bad because I had decided to not weigh at least until Monday. I feel like I let myself down because that was the commitment I made for myself. I am so tired of this life; of binging and relying on fluid as an emotional crutch. I told a friend today that I would rather lose this dependence to dieting and emotional eating than I would to lose weight. So I have to keep that focus in front of me. I can succeed with that as a goal. I can succeed a lot quicker than I can lose 100 pounds. So I need to make sure at all times that is where my focus is staying.
I did lose 10 pounds.
Successes! I just ate half of my chicken, realized I was full and stepped away. I don't know when I've been able to do that. Let's see If I can do that with every meal?

I just got this quote from a friend of a friend on Facebook and I had to add it here.  Because there are mashed potatoes in the refrigerator calling my name.

Ádìsá Ájámú

It is a horrible thing to feel stuck, to feel as though the life you desire is right within our grasps, close enough for us to see it, brush up against it, feel it but not be able to grasp it. If we understand that much of our lives are the result of choices we've made--good and bad. Then it helps us understand that wekeep getting the lack of results we've gotten thus far in life because we keep doing what we've doing. Different life results require a different life actions. It's that simple—and that hard. Life is about choices and chances, the ones we make and take, and the ones we don't. The life you desire is waiting patiently for you to change. Go get your bliss.

- Ádìsá

Vlcd 5. Protein shake review.

Today I tried Tera's Whey Protein for my lunch protein shake. I am not a huge fan of whey protein, primarily because of the taste. This was no different. Yucky with that nasty whey protein smell. Especially at $3 a serving, I do not recommend it.

My hunger was fairly manageable today. I think I ended up short a fruit and a half. But I ate brussels sprouts until I was at around a 6 on the satiety scale. But it was a true 6, and now, about 20, minutes later, I am a solid 5. I am feeling a little mentally worn out, but I feel like today was easy peasy as far as the protocol.

How To Feed My Hungry Soul

VLCD 4: Today was pretty good.  I've been struggling with being tired and last night resorted to taking a Benadryl at 2a.m. I am pretty much POP, although I do use a little non stick coconut oil spray.

I am really grappling with my mind set. I feel like I am on one side of a cliff, holding on to negativity, desperation about weight loss, self doubt and I'm looking across a chasm and on the other side are all of my gifts; creativity, self love, friendships, trust, a lives while person. What is in between me and me self actualized, productive life?

Not my weight. I think it's the distractions of technology and my tendency to plan plan plan. Rather than just be zen and explore my creative productive side, I fill my time calculating pounds that I should lose. I fill my time on Facebook. I watch television shows filled with commercials and messages that I am not enough.

I want to jump this chasm.

Goals: Consider a daily limit for social media.
Limit television to preplanned viewing.
Quit thinking about the next weight loss plan.

I will update and revisit these goals.

Feeling good. Make that great.

I just watched Robin's most recent videos and I recommend them very highly. Look up weight loss apocalypse on YouTube. Her channel is both inspiring and insightful. These last two videos really focused on the feeling of desperation around weight loss and what that leads to: extreme dieting, binging, and shame. This desperation is directly connected to consumerism our view of ourselves through the eyes of the media. This led me to think about this: what does it look like to lead a consumer based life versus a production based life? What if there was desperation for creativity and personhood rather than looks and weight?

Consumer based:
I'm not good enough
I'm not beautiful enough (buy to look better)
My house isn't nice enough
My kids aren't smart enough
I need to be entertained/consume entertainment
Artificial relationships which are easy (i.e. Social media, television)
Beauty is scarce, expensive, created
Others are more talented
Talent is scarce
My value is external
My self worth depends on external things

Production Based:
Contentment
I'm good enough
I'm beautiful, I find beauty within myself
My hard work makes my house nice
I use creative means to generate entertainment, conversation, writing, games, knitting, playing music.
I produce the means on entertainment
I enjoy real and meaningful relationships and work to cultivate them
Beauty is abundant and everywhere
I have special talents as does everyone
My value and self worth are my qualities and who I an as a person

Which would you choose? Which would you be desperate for?

Being normal

So for the past few wewks I have been trying to just be, without diet and weight goals, and without obsessing over an ideal weight. I have discovered a few things: 1) I don't want to be as skinny as I used to. I don't think it's my biggest goal to look like a war crime. 2) I like lifting weights, but I don't know what it is to lift or to design a program without an aesthetic goal. 3) I really do want to teach zumba 4) I cannot just let go without CONSCIENTIOUSLY trying to eat to hunger. So I am devoting a few days of blogging to food logs. Sorry if this bores my *only* follower.

Quitting is off the table, perfection is not the goal

In 10 days I have lost 12 pounds! I want to see how different this round is when quitting is totally off the table.

And I feel so different.  Even though I have cheated far more than is probably safe, I keep trying to look at it from an intellectual place, analyse and learn from it.  This round feels different.  I think I feel more committed to long term: not just long term as in the next 30 days but long term as in the rest of my life.

Since I was 11 years old I have fought my weight, fought my body, and fought my feelings.  I feel like Weight Loss Apocolypse, along with my spiritual foundation as a Jehovah's Witness has changed me profoundly.  It has been 6 months since I discovered this method of body awareness and mind/body HCG and I can say definitively that this has stuck.

It has been 5 months since I have looked in the mirror and thought I hated my body.

It has been 5 months since I have pinched fat on myself.

It has been 5 months since I have thought of staying home because I hated how I looked in my clothes.

It has been 5 months since I tried to "punish" myself in some way or another because of a number I saw on the scale.

Now, if I can just finish a FULL 40 day round, I will be a brand new person!  Hey, I think I already am!  Thank you Robin Phipps Woodall.

Day 8! Feeling great!!

Wow, I need to learn to use this blogger app. I was just trying to edit an old post for punctuation. This is from months ago.

Tomorrow is the day I put the scale away.  I have resolved that I will only weight every other week.  This Saturday, I will take measurements, next Saturday, I weigh.

I cheated AGAIN due to stress but you know what? For this round it's all about the follow through. I will do the 40 days because that was my commitment. And I still am not going to weight myself. Worry doesn't go away but this is the time that I must learn to deal  with  it

Robin's words after my last cheat on the FB group:  " If you cheat, observe your justifications, judgments, and your guilt. Cheating opens your eyes to observe your thoughts and your resulting behavior. they can be essential steps towards changing your relationship with food and your body permanently."

So now I will use these words as a tool to analyse what happened today.  Today I broke protocol.  Again.  In one week.  But I know, I have to let go of the idea of perfection.  The goal is to slowly change how I look at food and how I look at myself.  So . . .

My justifications:

  1.) I was baking cookies for the Step Up seniors at Roosevelt and I wanted to see how they tasted (had to make some recipe modifications.
  2.) My husband and I had a huge blow out fight and I was frustrated.
  3.) The food was left out and it looked good.

My judgments/guilt:

  1.) Now I have ruined my diet and I will be fat forever.
  2.) I might as well give up.  I am going to suffer through this round and lose nothing.
  3.) I might as well give up.  I am going to keep cheating and gain back more than I was at first.
  4.) I can't do this for myself so I must hate myself.
  5.) I am never going to lose weight or meet my goal of not emotionally eating.  Ever.

Thoughts:

I notice that one thing I left out when I was so upset and food was so available was how my body felt in that emotional space.  In fact I don't remember one thought I had in that moment.  I just remember being mad and shovelling food into my face.  Last week my goal was to observe my bodies' reaction to my feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings without judgment.  Just to see what my body feels like when my mind is in an uncomfortable situation.  I ate much more normally when I did that.  So what I learned from today is that it is imperative that I give myself a time out when those emotions start to surface ESPECIALLY when food is around.

I can do this. Still.

Goodbye grads . . . happy thoughts and worried confessions

Today I had the immeasurable privilege of seeing 12 of the students I have worked with for at least one year, and some more extensively through this year GRADUATE.  What a feeling!  So much excitement and so much stress, writing all of my thoughts and wishes for each of them down.  

Food was present in my mind all day.  I noticed that I was also hungry more than usual.  True, I am dealing with TOM, but I am concerned that there was an element of stress eating.  Or celebration eating?  Whatevs. Emotional eating, not need based eating.  

I still struggle with stopping eating when I am no longer hungry.  I know if I am not satisfied, if I am still hungry I will go get more, or another food option.  But if I have scooped it out I will consume it.  :/

While I am confessing, I better put this out in the universe: I have been weighing myself.  A lot.  Like, the first two days, at least twice a day.  The past two days I have only been weighing daily.  I know I need to put the scale away!!  

What am I looking for the scale to tell me?  I guess that I am making progress?  I don't know!  I know the real progress is what is gong on inside, what the scale cannot measure.  I know that if I change PERMANENTLY my view of food that my weight, looks, outward will eventually match the changes I make inside.  

So why the scale?

I will set a date.  Saturday.  I will note my weight for the week and ask my husband to put the scale away until next week.

Also I am scared that since I have been weighing so frequently, and since my body asked for a little more then protocol today, that I will be upset/frustrated/discouraged by my weight tomorrow.  Which is, I realize, one of the biggest reasons that Mind/Body HCG protocol recommends not weighing.  I have been challenged by Robin on the Facebook support group to accept a protocol round that is not perfect.  I will take my weigh in tomorrow as a challenge to do just that.

VLCP, Day 3. It wasn't worth it . . .

Hey all.  So I did my load, and I remembered the ice cream (although I never got my buffalo wings) and began on Saturday.  Preload weight was 219 (WOW).  Guess what happened Sunday?

I cheated.

My mom had a friend over who is from Lousiana.  She makes a fabulous gumbo and an even better rice dressing (think stuffing, like in turkey, but with rice.  It is AMAZING).  She brought over some spaghetti, one of my favorite foods.  There were meatballs in it AND hot links.  Somehow, I ended up being the one putting everything away . . . and the rest is history.

As soon as I took the first bite I thought: "This is not as good as I thought it would be."  Then downed bites 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 . . . it tasted like some straight up Chef Boy-ar-dee.  This was what I blew my protocol for ON THE SECOND DAY NO LESS.  I was furious.  I ran to the store to find some cookies to at least make the cheat worth it.  While I sat hiding on my mom's back porch eating the cookies, I thought about what I wanted the spaghetti to taste like.  I couldn't imagine.

In that moment, after I cheated on myself and my commitment I had made to changing myself and the way I viewed food, and even just my commitment to the idea of finishing what I promised myself, I couldn't imagine ONE THING that would have been so good it was worth letting myself down.  I need to remember this next time I want to cheat.  Nothing tastes good enough to break your trust with yourself, your COMMITMENT to yourself.

Back in the saddle . . . da da, dadadada . .

I have decided that the time for the HCG protocol redo is now. 

I originally stopped because of some crazy personal stuff that was going on, up to, but not only including the anniversary of one of my best friend's death, further revelations about why and how he died (like reliving it all), my current best friend moving to a place where she is almost inaccessible, and getting laid off.

Robin Phipps Woodall was the one that set me straight. 
 "A quick way to abruptly change direction is to stop telling yourself you'll fix the damages 

later."

Wow, Robin.  

I know that I have changed.  So much.  But honestly, friends, I was one step from 

crying over the scale . . . again.  Eating until I had acid reflux at every meal.  That ol' body

hatred cycle.  I was stuck and I couldn't figure out how to recapture my original enthusiasm 

but I knew I HAD to.

So I'm done.  I am not going to be that HCG bulimic that uses HCG instead of puking.  I want 

the me that I envisioned when I began that journey.  I need to go back and reread my own 

posts and reinspire myself.



I can't wait.

ZZZZZUMBA!

Today, not ONCE did I feel past about a 5.5!  What a great feeling!  But my biggest revelation was in Zumba today.

For me, Zumba has been like a recovery of sorts.  My biggest stretches of disordered eating accompanied my participation in dance.  I would always look in the mirror and see "too fat to dance."  Seeing "too fat to dance" made me self conscious, overly critical of other girls and just a less joyful dancer.  After I read the book Chi Running, I saw why I had felt so unsuccessful   I always felt like I was just outside of something so beautiful and so perfect in my dance, but I had only skimmed it a couple times.  Those times that I felt such an intense joy and so full of every breath in my body that my movement couldn't help but be perfect.

What had stopped me from always being this way?  My body image.  Caused by my weight gain from emotional eating.  Which made me sad about being so big and not being able to dance like I wanted.  Which made me eat.  And sometimes throw up.

If I was skinny, I used to say.  If I was skinny I would be a star.  If I was skinny I could choreograph, I could partner, all of the teachers would drool over me and my feet, my flexibility.  But when I read Chi Running, about directing your Chi and feeling your breath flow through out your body with no impediments, I realized . . . I was my biggest impediment.  I didn't want to smile or have fun.  How could I smile if I couldn't get the moves as quick as other girls?  How could I get the moves when I was so busy thinking about my leotard showing my back fat?

So when I started Zumba, it was in the dark.  I felt the energy soaring through my body.  There was no judgement, only joy.  It was like making peace with my body and my movement, one of the fundamental ways I felt good expressing myself.

Now I belong to LA Fitness.  I am back in a dance studio with mirrors and a teacher.  Now, I know Zumba is not anything like a dance class.  But I am astonished at the way I jumped back into that negative dancer mentality.  One of my fellow Zumbaphiles was wearing jazz shoes and kept trying to do intricate moves between the dances we were doing.  I found myself judging her, instead of feeling her enjoyment in the movement.  Then I looked in the mirror at the blank look on my sweaty face.  I felt so good, why was I holding it in?  Was I jealous of the woman who was so freely . . . happy?

So I did it.  I just let go of my face and let it reflect the joy I felt.  It was scary.  But you know what?  I had so much more fun that way.  Just like I am working so hard to make peace with food and tune into what my body needs, one day I hope to make peace with my movement and to truly move from my heart, cut out the sound, the negative back talk and just dance.

Feel the pain, and do it anyway

It's been a rough, rough, ROUGH couple days.  I ate okay, but I feel like I have been going through life in a daze.  I feel my self slowly shutting myself off, slowly retreating back into old habits of quiet worry and isolation.  For a little while, I am losing my best friend due to some personal issues that she needs to resolve. I fully support her and what she needs to do.  On the other hand, I am very cognizant of the fact that talking to her and her support and being able to support her has been huge in my recovery from emotional eating.

She needs to do her right now.  And I need to do me.

But right now, I feel like it just hurts too much to figure out what that means.  Opening up my feelings to another person is the scariest thing that I can imagine.  Public speech? Heights? Dentist? HONESTY AND OPENNESS??  The words typed out sends me into a panic.

I feel frozen in time and space.  But I can't look back.  Yes, I ate a bag of some kind of potato puffs while totally not hungry.  Yes, I binged on split pea soup (easier then it sounds).  But the changes I have made are real.  I am going to the gym because I want to and because it feels good.  I am eating only when hungry about 85% of the time (still working on how to stop).  But I see progress.  And eating doesn't stop the pain.

This is my revolution.  This is my chance to do me.  And just like I tell my students, they are intelligent, strong, and they deserve their successes, I know I should say the same to myself.  I need to keep heeding my conscience, listening to my heart, and staying tuned in to my body.

I want to imitate Rilla Gibson (http://mindbodyhcg.wordpress.com/).  She has been logging daily using the hunger scale to increase her self awareness.  While I want to continue being gentle with myself I want to limit mindless eating and increase my own awareness of my patterns.

Hunger & Fullness Scale

Hunger Scale:
1 - Disparaging
2 - Critical
3 - Urgent
4 - Patient
5 - Content

Fullness Scale:
6 - Satisfied
7 - Satiated
8 - Full
9 - Discomfort
10 - Pain

"Eat cautiously, introduce fats slowly, and keep hunger between a 3.5 and 5.5. Avoid getting too hungry and overly satiated." (Source: Mind Body Method Workbook)