VLCD 13. The trap of commercial satisfaction

I just watched this video from Robin Phillips Woodall, the one about the mother whose dieting affected her son.  I have heard, over and over again, that the cult of the good body is akin to the dieting cult.  I was listening to this song, and it struck me: which ever part of this deficit based society you buy into, it requires that same kind of crazy.  Because once you have that body, you would give anything to maintain it.  Once you have that house, that car, that look, those clothes, IT defines who you are.  You are no longer in control of your fate, the very clothes, car, size, etc that gave you the life you thought you wanted are now the things your life depends on.  Think about those "celebrities" who have lost their fame and have done just about anything to gain it back, or to achieve it at another level.  

That is not a life.  It's a trap.


Today I avoided the coffee with too much milk, but there was another issue. 
I am not spacing out my drops well. These led me to eat brussel sprouts roasted in a little oil. 
I think I got too hungry because it was 12 hours between my first and second doses.

VCLP 12: In the thick of it

I have to admit: I have been subbing a Café Misto for a meat serving for the past three days. I don't know if it's the worst thing, or proof that I won't commit to the diet or evidence that I was hugged too much as a child. I'm not mad at myself for it. But I think I'm quitting it. I understand where Robin is coming from when she emphasizes that these are HORMONES we're messing with. Hormones we don't fully understand. So if I say my goal is body rehab, not just weight loss, I need to set my body up for a good clean reboot-not just a quick drop.

Here are the health problems I have gained with the extra weight:
Achy joints
Reflux
Rashes
Diarrhea
Worsened Asthma
High blood pressure

I'm so glad I'm putting my body first and taking this seriously.

VLCD 9. Exhaustion, Action, Work

Not much to say about today. So much work in this training I'm doing on my self, and it's so much to process. No time for emotional eating that's for sure :)

All I ate was a few dried strawberries, a hamburger patty and a bowl of cabbage hamburger soup. Oh and a cafe misto with stevia.

How To Feed My Hungry Soul

VLCD 4: Today was pretty good.  I've been struggling with being tired and last night resorted to taking a Benadryl at 2a.m. I am pretty much POP, although I do use a little non stick coconut oil spray.

I am really grappling with my mind set. I feel like I am on one side of a cliff, holding on to negativity, desperation about weight loss, self doubt and I'm looking across a chasm and on the other side are all of my gifts; creativity, self love, friendships, trust, a lives while person. What is in between me and me self actualized, productive life?

Not my weight. I think it's the distractions of technology and my tendency to plan plan plan. Rather than just be zen and explore my creative productive side, I fill my time calculating pounds that I should lose. I fill my time on Facebook. I watch television shows filled with commercials and messages that I am not enough.

I want to jump this chasm.

Goals: Consider a daily limit for social media.
Limit television to preplanned viewing.
Quit thinking about the next weight loss plan.

I will update and revisit these goals.

Feeling good. Make that great.

I just watched Robin's most recent videos and I recommend them very highly. Look up weight loss apocalypse on YouTube. Her channel is both inspiring and insightful. These last two videos really focused on the feeling of desperation around weight loss and what that leads to: extreme dieting, binging, and shame. This desperation is directly connected to consumerism our view of ourselves through the eyes of the media. This led me to think about this: what does it look like to lead a consumer based life versus a production based life? What if there was desperation for creativity and personhood rather than looks and weight?

Consumer based:
I'm not good enough
I'm not beautiful enough (buy to look better)
My house isn't nice enough
My kids aren't smart enough
I need to be entertained/consume entertainment
Artificial relationships which are easy (i.e. Social media, television)
Beauty is scarce, expensive, created
Others are more talented
Talent is scarce
My value is external
My self worth depends on external things

Production Based:
Contentment
I'm good enough
I'm beautiful, I find beauty within myself
My hard work makes my house nice
I use creative means to generate entertainment, conversation, writing, games, knitting, playing music.
I produce the means on entertainment
I enjoy real and meaningful relationships and work to cultivate them
Beauty is abundant and everywhere
I have special talents as does everyone
My value and self worth are my qualities and who I an as a person

Which would you choose? Which would you be desperate for?

VCLP DAY 1

One thing I notice that I do on any eating protocol, including hcg, or even when I was sick and unable to easy because of issues with Crohns is still being obsessed with food. When it was my Crohns that looked like obsessively watching cooking shows and reading cooking magazines. What it looks like on hcg is me on pinterest looking at recipes, planning and counting days and making lists. I remember someone saying that their favorite thing about Mind:Body HCG was being able to just be, to let go of dieting and food obsession and tape into a creative side. I realize that I am not allowing myself the space from food to do that. So for the rest of this round I want to challenge myself in that way. I know that I am feeling discomfort emotionally in sine way and that's why I am looking for this distraction. But the point of this protocol is to isolate the discomfort, not to find new distractions. Obviously before I did not complete my round. I have continued to go to counseling, and I have observed that my binge eating has decreased, and my overall feelings about my body have improved. But that wasn't enough to keep my weight from skyrocketing to 235. That's right, that is my post load weight. I really feel that the key to me losing and maintaining is Robin's HCG method and the hunger scale. And I know as long as I haven't quit the journey continues.

Robin's words after my last cheat on the FB group:  " If you cheat, observe your justifications, judgments, and your guilt. Cheating opens your eyes to observe your thoughts and your resulting behavior. they can be essential steps towards changing your relationship with food and your body permanently."

So now I will use these words as a tool to analyse what happened today.  Today I broke protocol.  Again.  In one week.  But I know, I have to let go of the idea of perfection.  The goal is to slowly change how I look at food and how I look at myself.  So . . .

My justifications:

  1.) I was baking cookies for the Step Up seniors at Roosevelt and I wanted to see how they tasted (had to make some recipe modifications.
  2.) My husband and I had a huge blow out fight and I was frustrated.
  3.) The food was left out and it looked good.

My judgments/guilt:

  1.) Now I have ruined my diet and I will be fat forever.
  2.) I might as well give up.  I am going to suffer through this round and lose nothing.
  3.) I might as well give up.  I am going to keep cheating and gain back more than I was at first.
  4.) I can't do this for myself so I must hate myself.
  5.) I am never going to lose weight or meet my goal of not emotionally eating.  Ever.

Thoughts:

I notice that one thing I left out when I was so upset and food was so available was how my body felt in that emotional space.  In fact I don't remember one thought I had in that moment.  I just remember being mad and shovelling food into my face.  Last week my goal was to observe my bodies' reaction to my feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings without judgment.  Just to see what my body feels like when my mind is in an uncomfortable situation.  I ate much more normally when I did that.  So what I learned from today is that it is imperative that I give myself a time out when those emotions start to surface ESPECIALLY when food is around.

I can do this. Still.

Goodbye grads . . . happy thoughts and worried confessions

Today I had the immeasurable privilege of seeing 12 of the students I have worked with for at least one year, and some more extensively through this year GRADUATE.  What a feeling!  So much excitement and so much stress, writing all of my thoughts and wishes for each of them down.  

Food was present in my mind all day.  I noticed that I was also hungry more than usual.  True, I am dealing with TOM, but I am concerned that there was an element of stress eating.  Or celebration eating?  Whatevs. Emotional eating, not need based eating.  

I still struggle with stopping eating when I am no longer hungry.  I know if I am not satisfied, if I am still hungry I will go get more, or another food option.  But if I have scooped it out I will consume it.  :/

While I am confessing, I better put this out in the universe: I have been weighing myself.  A lot.  Like, the first two days, at least twice a day.  The past two days I have only been weighing daily.  I know I need to put the scale away!!  

What am I looking for the scale to tell me?  I guess that I am making progress?  I don't know!  I know the real progress is what is gong on inside, what the scale cannot measure.  I know that if I change PERMANENTLY my view of food that my weight, looks, outward will eventually match the changes I make inside.  

So why the scale?

I will set a date.  Saturday.  I will note my weight for the week and ask my husband to put the scale away until next week.

Also I am scared that since I have been weighing so frequently, and since my body asked for a little more then protocol today, that I will be upset/frustrated/discouraged by my weight tomorrow.  Which is, I realize, one of the biggest reasons that Mind/Body HCG protocol recommends not weighing.  I have been challenged by Robin on the Facebook support group to accept a protocol round that is not perfect.  I will take my weigh in tomorrow as a challenge to do just that.

Just. Doing. BADDDDD.

So I realize that the past 4 days or so I have been eating and eating and eating.  Never when hungry, and often until I am sick.  I realize I have been sadder than usual, and even though Sunday was the anniversary of my best friend's death (one year) I feel like there is something else I need to face.  I have actually felt more at peace with losing my friend then I was a week ago.  And I realize how much I hate going to bed on a full stomach.  I can't sleep on it, never mind other night time activities I enjoy ;)  Even though I really tried to address and face my emotional issues that caused me to binge during the VLCP, I need to bring that practice of consciousness back into my everyday life.  I don't like how I feel right now.  I feel guilty for eating a whole batch of cookies, not to mention greedy.  I can't use my stomach muscles because they are too stretched out.

I hate this.

I have so much awareness of other addictive behaviors!  I had been having a (rather large) glass of wine every night.  I felt like I was looking forward to it too much, so I quit having it.  I am currently messing around with the idea of quitting coffee, especially when work ends for the school year.  I hate the idea of something external determining how I feel.

So why is food so hard to break free from?

The negative self talk has not returned, however.  I feel like if I don't get this binging under control, that is the only thing left to return.  The body obsession, self hating, scale obsessed woman that is embarrassed to look in the mirror or be in a picture.  I am still better than I was.

I have been going to the gym, doing zumba still, and lifting weights.  Feeling my body work and pushing it and observing it reach its limits is truly exhilarating.  I am grateful that my attitude towards working out has not changed.

The goal is the same . . .
 

Like Learning To Ride a Bike . . .

Today was a huge day for me. I learned how to ride a bike for the first time today! I learned in a public park with people around and I just focused on what I had to do. It was hard and the thought crossed my mind that maybe I just COULDN'T do it. But this was my time! It took two hours and paying a pro 75 smackers for two hours. And yes, I stumbled, I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I had to learn to do things differently. But eventually O was able to trust the body mechanics and the physics that cause that effortless forward motion. At 33, I finally am a bike rider.

I have tried to find a natural way to eat and live for years. Now is my time. My days as an emotionally driven self condemning, controlling, losing control, excuse making dieter are already fading  into my history. Yes, I will stumble. I might feel awkward or unnatural. But I know I will be able to trust my body soon. To let go and let my body care for itself in a way I never have. The same effortless forward motion towards freedom from diets and harmful body image thoughts. I will get there.

Today I was so hungry all day. I still ate to hunger, all protein (not by choice). I will be honest, I'm feeling a little freaked. But weight loss or not, I was successful because I can say I ate to hunger. No no complaints!

I WILL GET THERE!!!


The hunger is so hard to name right now . . . I feel like it's emotional maybe.  I have this sense that a binge is just looming over me . . . Watching Robin right now.  I got this y'all.

This is my goal, people.  To be the girl on this video:

Not Robin :)  The one she is talking to.  I know I will get there.  I know I will be able to trust this process.  Today I had a great day eating to hunger, but I find that all morning I am drinking coffee.  I also worry that I am leaning too hard on coconut oil.  I actually want to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm sorry!) just to confirm that I am doing okay even with the coconut oil.  If I am still going down, then I will give my scale to my mom and I will fall into trust . . . eyes closed, mind open . . .

I want to be able to see myself accomplishing SOLID GOALS.  I am fitting into older clothes, but nothing shocking to me.  But I am wary of making my motivation body size related.  I cannot say that right now I love my body, but I don't hate it, and I feel like I am able to coexist with it in friendship for the first time ever.  I mean, I am not putting down parts of my body or punishing it with too much food.  I am just listening.

It feels good.