Just. Doing. BADDDDD.

So I realize that the past 4 days or so I have been eating and eating and eating.  Never when hungry, and often until I am sick.  I realize I have been sadder than usual, and even though Sunday was the anniversary of my best friend's death (one year) I feel like there is something else I need to face.  I have actually felt more at peace with losing my friend then I was a week ago.  And I realize how much I hate going to bed on a full stomach.  I can't sleep on it, never mind other night time activities I enjoy ;)  Even though I really tried to address and face my emotional issues that caused me to binge during the VLCP, I need to bring that practice of consciousness back into my everyday life.  I don't like how I feel right now.  I feel guilty for eating a whole batch of cookies, not to mention greedy.  I can't use my stomach muscles because they are too stretched out.

I hate this.

I have so much awareness of other addictive behaviors!  I had been having a (rather large) glass of wine every night.  I felt like I was looking forward to it too much, so I quit having it.  I am currently messing around with the idea of quitting coffee, especially when work ends for the school year.  I hate the idea of something external determining how I feel.

So why is food so hard to break free from?

The negative self talk has not returned, however.  I feel like if I don't get this binging under control, that is the only thing left to return.  The body obsession, self hating, scale obsessed woman that is embarrassed to look in the mirror or be in a picture.  I am still better than I was.

I have been going to the gym, doing zumba still, and lifting weights.  Feeling my body work and pushing it and observing it reach its limits is truly exhilarating.  I am grateful that my attitude towards working out has not changed.

The goal is the same . . .
 

Successes with a side order of dysfunction

Howdy.  I have not fallen off of the face of the earth.  At last writing I was off of the HCG protocol for a while.  I am still off.  Eating when hungry has still proven a challenge to me, but I am glad to say that I have not gained weight since going off protocol.  I also have not been weighing as often as I used to, and I feel like my whole attitude about my size has changed.  My self talk has changed.  I see changes inside, and I know eventually the outside will catch up.  My husband surprised me with a gym membership that includes Zumba, and I LOVE zumba.  I have even toyed with the idea of becoming an instructor.  I also have been trying green coffee beans.

The bad: I still am emotionally eating.  Even binging a little, though not half as much as I used to.  I am (temporarily) losing my best friend due to some life stuff, and now I am 15 days from the death last year of my other best friend.  So I have some sadness I will need to decide how to deal with.

I feel I need to continue to document my journey.  I am dealing with TOM now, and I have yet to decide if I want to return to the protocol after.  I feel like right now I am enjoying the gym membership and the Zumba classes, and I want to continue to work on eating when hungry.  If I can JUST eat when I am hungry, that will be a huge success for me.  The next success will be stopping when I am full.  I am looking at the small goals right now, and the long run.

I am not in a rush.  I will be this new me for a LOOOOOONG time.