VCLP day 18. My body is putting in work!

I have really been taking the time to notice how great I feel. No need for coffee, I am full of natural energy. I've been sleepy at night. One thing I am trying to do is take a probiotic every day. Since I don't usually eat the melba, I can use this as a yeast cleanse. I also take a third of a Triphala, which helps with elimination. I feel like I even am thinking more clearly!

Last night I knew I was going to cheat. I didn't plan on it, but I was alone, and I didn't see an end in sight to the grudge match going on here in my house. Instead, I sat on the couch and talked to myself. I told myself that I knew I needed to feel heard. I knew I wanted that crunch to just let my jaw lose and distract myself from the unfairness of this ridiculous stand off. I sat with my hands over my eyes. Then I prayed. And I sat waiting for the urge to pass.

And it did.

VCLP day 18. My body is putting in work!

I have really been taking the time to notice how great I feel. No need for coffee, I am full of natural energy. I've been sleepy at night. One thing I am trying to do is take a probiotic every day. Since I don't usually eat the melba, I can use this as a yeast cleanse. I also take a third of a Triphala, which helps with elimination. I feel like I even am thinking more clearly!

Last night I knew I was going to cheat. I didn't plan on it, but I was alone, and I didn't see an end in sight to the grudge match going on here in my house. Instead, I sat on the couch and talked to myself. I told myself that I knew I needed to feel heard. I knew I wanted that crunch to just let my jaw lose and distract myself from the unfairness of this ridiculous stand off. I say with my hands over my eyes. Then I prayed. And I say waiting for the urge to pass.

And it did.

Past 2 days

The past two days have been really really rough. It started with a big fight with my after which he left. My most vulnerable time for a binge is when I am alone. Add in the frustration of the argument and it was just all bad. Yesterday was the same.

I keep telling myself that every time I give in to eating emotionally I give those feelings, habits and addictions more power. I tell myself not to judge myself for eating off protocol (I'm not binging, at least), and that I sympathize with my actions rather than feeling guilty. I gained 2 pounds over the past two days, also. We'll see how tonight goes.

Honesty interlude

I ate a few oven fries and some brussels sprouts roasted in oil. I didn't have my fruit today, but I do know better. What I am proud of, however, is that I didn't decide I totally blow my "diet" and inhale everything in site. I am growing. Progress feels good.

VLCD 13. The trap of commercial satisfaction

I just watched this video from Robin Phillips Woodall, the one about the mother whose dieting affected her son.  I have heard, over and over again, that the cult of the good body is akin to the dieting cult.  I was listening to this song, and it struck me: which ever part of this deficit based society you buy into, it requires that same kind of crazy.  Because once you have that body, you would give anything to maintain it.  Once you have that house, that car, that look, those clothes, IT defines who you are.  You are no longer in control of your fate, the very clothes, car, size, etc that gave you the life you thought you wanted are now the things your life depends on.  Think about those "celebrities" who have lost their fame and have done just about anything to gain it back, or to achieve it at another level.  

That is not a life.  It's a trap.


Today I avoided the coffee with too much milk, but there was another issue. 
I am not spacing out my drops well. These led me to eat brussel sprouts roasted in a little oil. 
I think I got too hungry because it was 12 hours between my first and second doses.

VCLP 12: In the thick of it

I have to admit: I have been subbing a Café Misto for a meat serving for the past three days. I don't know if it's the worst thing, or proof that I won't commit to the diet or evidence that I was hugged too much as a child. I'm not mad at myself for it. But I think I'm quitting it. I understand where Robin is coming from when she emphasizes that these are HORMONES we're messing with. Hormones we don't fully understand. So if I say my goal is body rehab, not just weight loss, I need to set my body up for a good clean reboot-not just a quick drop.

Here are the health problems I have gained with the extra weight:
Achy joints
Reflux
Rashes
Diarrhea
Worsened Asthma
High blood pressure

I'm so glad I'm putting my body first and taking this seriously.

VLCD 10: Thought I was super woman!

Up until around 7, I had very minimal hunger all day. Then all of a sudden, an emotional eating cloud just kind of lighted upon my head. I keep thinking about cheating. I know I have been doing so well and I don't think I will cheat. But it's like I'm being stalked by this desire.

Trying my best to sit with this discomfort. Night night! I update stats mañana. Night!

VLCD 9. Exhaustion, Action, Work

Not much to say about today. So much work in this training I'm doing on my self, and it's so much to process. No time for emotional eating that's for sure :)

All I ate was a few dried strawberries, a hamburger patty and a bowl of cabbage hamburger soup. Oh and a cafe misto with stevia.

Hunger games. VLCD 8

Not too much hunger today. I didn't finish one protein serving. In fact come to think of it, I didn't finish one serving of anything. So I'm curious to see how tomorrow feels with my hunger.

I have a looooong training tomorrow with a bunch of people I barely know, which will be an intensely uncomfortable experience for me. Lots of people will eating out and social eating is an easy escape for me on these situations. I look forward to the challenge. I feel so different this time and I am excited to see what additional transformations these challenges bring.

Realizations and Fullness, VLCD 7

Forgot to publish this yesterday.
I have been trying to figure out what it takes for me to feel emotionally full. If I'm not hungry for food what am I hungry for?

"Have fun now!" I told my friend. I can't, she tells me. I can't look at myself. I can't enjoy moving because I'm so big.  "But that's the mindset you have to fight against. That only the skinny you can fit through the door of having fun. That body shame is what causes us to binge and eat emotionally! The feeling like we don't deserve to have fun just like we feel like don't deserve to have a healthy weight and self sabotage and overly restrict! The key to getting rid of this cycle is to love your body unconditionally. Appreciating what it can do and is doing right now." I told her how, at my lowest, skinniest weight I was not satisfied. Now my but wasn't big enough. It wasn't how I looked that was the problem. The problem was how I saw myself.

And my friend said, "Wow. I see it now. That's what I've been doing. And I didn't even realize it. I have to learn to love my body right now, as it is."

The guilt. The restrictions. The pinching fat. The tears. The shame. The crazy. For her, it may be the first step off the crazy train and into her real life.

After that conversation . . . I felt so full.

VCLP day 6. Setbacks and Improvements

So the bad first. I weighed today. I felt really bad because I had decided to not weigh at least until Monday. I feel like I let myself down because that was the commitment I made for myself. I am so tired of this life; of binging and relying on fluid as an emotional crutch. I told a friend today that I would rather lose this dependence to dieting and emotional eating than I would to lose weight. So I have to keep that focus in front of me. I can succeed with that as a goal. I can succeed a lot quicker than I can lose 100 pounds. So I need to make sure at all times that is where my focus is staying.
I did lose 10 pounds.
Successes! I just ate half of my chicken, realized I was full and stepped away. I don't know when I've been able to do that. Let's see If I can do that with every meal?

I just got this quote from a friend of a friend on Facebook and I had to add it here.  Because there are mashed potatoes in the refrigerator calling my name.

Ádìsá Ájámú

It is a horrible thing to feel stuck, to feel as though the life you desire is right within our grasps, close enough for us to see it, brush up against it, feel it but not be able to grasp it. If we understand that much of our lives are the result of choices we've made--good and bad. Then it helps us understand that wekeep getting the lack of results we've gotten thus far in life because we keep doing what we've doing. Different life results require a different life actions. It's that simple—and that hard. Life is about choices and chances, the ones we make and take, and the ones we don't. The life you desire is waiting patiently for you to change. Go get your bliss.

- Ádìsá

Vlcd 5. Protein shake review.

Today I tried Tera's Whey Protein for my lunch protein shake. I am not a huge fan of whey protein, primarily because of the taste. This was no different. Yucky with that nasty whey protein smell. Especially at $3 a serving, I do not recommend it.

My hunger was fairly manageable today. I think I ended up short a fruit and a half. But I ate brussels sprouts until I was at around a 6 on the satiety scale. But it was a true 6, and now, about 20, minutes later, I am a solid 5. I am feeling a little mentally worn out, but I feel like today was easy peasy as far as the protocol.

How To Feed My Hungry Soul

VLCD 4: Today was pretty good.  I've been struggling with being tired and last night resorted to taking a Benadryl at 2a.m. I am pretty much POP, although I do use a little non stick coconut oil spray.

I am really grappling with my mind set. I feel like I am on one side of a cliff, holding on to negativity, desperation about weight loss, self doubt and I'm looking across a chasm and on the other side are all of my gifts; creativity, self love, friendships, trust, a lives while person. What is in between me and me self actualized, productive life?

Not my weight. I think it's the distractions of technology and my tendency to plan plan plan. Rather than just be zen and explore my creative productive side, I fill my time calculating pounds that I should lose. I fill my time on Facebook. I watch television shows filled with commercials and messages that I am not enough.

I want to jump this chasm.

Goals: Consider a daily limit for social media.
Limit television to preplanned viewing.
Quit thinking about the next weight loss plan.

I will update and revisit these goals.

Feeling good. Make that great.

I just watched Robin's most recent videos and I recommend them very highly. Look up weight loss apocalypse on YouTube. Her channel is both inspiring and insightful. These last two videos really focused on the feeling of desperation around weight loss and what that leads to: extreme dieting, binging, and shame. This desperation is directly connected to consumerism our view of ourselves through the eyes of the media. This led me to think about this: what does it look like to lead a consumer based life versus a production based life? What if there was desperation for creativity and personhood rather than looks and weight?

Consumer based:
I'm not good enough
I'm not beautiful enough (buy to look better)
My house isn't nice enough
My kids aren't smart enough
I need to be entertained/consume entertainment
Artificial relationships which are easy (i.e. Social media, television)
Beauty is scarce, expensive, created
Others are more talented
Talent is scarce
My value is external
My self worth depends on external things

Production Based:
Contentment
I'm good enough
I'm beautiful, I find beauty within myself
My hard work makes my house nice
I use creative means to generate entertainment, conversation, writing, games, knitting, playing music.
I produce the means on entertainment
I enjoy real and meaningful relationships and work to cultivate them
Beauty is abundant and everywhere
I have special talents as does everyone
My value and self worth are my qualities and who I an as a person

Which would you choose? Which would you be desperate for?