Being normal

So for the past few wewks I have been trying to just be, without diet and weight goals, and without obsessing over an ideal weight. I have discovered a few things: 1) I don't want to be as skinny as I used to. I don't think it's my biggest goal to look like a war crime. 2) I like lifting weights, but I don't know what it is to lift or to design a program without an aesthetic goal. 3) I really do want to teach zumba 4) I cannot just let go without CONSCIENTIOUSLY trying to eat to hunger. So I am devoting a few days of blogging to food logs. Sorry if this bores my *only* follower.

Just. Doing. BADDDDD.

So I realize that the past 4 days or so I have been eating and eating and eating.  Never when hungry, and often until I am sick.  I realize I have been sadder than usual, and even though Sunday was the anniversary of my best friend's death (one year) I feel like there is something else I need to face.  I have actually felt more at peace with losing my friend then I was a week ago.  And I realize how much I hate going to bed on a full stomach.  I can't sleep on it, never mind other night time activities I enjoy ;)  Even though I really tried to address and face my emotional issues that caused me to binge during the VLCP, I need to bring that practice of consciousness back into my everyday life.  I don't like how I feel right now.  I feel guilty for eating a whole batch of cookies, not to mention greedy.  I can't use my stomach muscles because they are too stretched out.

I hate this.

I have so much awareness of other addictive behaviors!  I had been having a (rather large) glass of wine every night.  I felt like I was looking forward to it too much, so I quit having it.  I am currently messing around with the idea of quitting coffee, especially when work ends for the school year.  I hate the idea of something external determining how I feel.

So why is food so hard to break free from?

The negative self talk has not returned, however.  I feel like if I don't get this binging under control, that is the only thing left to return.  The body obsession, self hating, scale obsessed woman that is embarrassed to look in the mirror or be in a picture.  I am still better than I was.

I have been going to the gym, doing zumba still, and lifting weights.  Feeling my body work and pushing it and observing it reach its limits is truly exhilarating.  I am grateful that my attitude towards working out has not changed.

The goal is the same . . .
 

ZZZZZUMBA!

Today, not ONCE did I feel past about a 5.5!  What a great feeling!  But my biggest revelation was in Zumba today.

For me, Zumba has been like a recovery of sorts.  My biggest stretches of disordered eating accompanied my participation in dance.  I would always look in the mirror and see "too fat to dance."  Seeing "too fat to dance" made me self conscious, overly critical of other girls and just a less joyful dancer.  After I read the book Chi Running, I saw why I had felt so unsuccessful   I always felt like I was just outside of something so beautiful and so perfect in my dance, but I had only skimmed it a couple times.  Those times that I felt such an intense joy and so full of every breath in my body that my movement couldn't help but be perfect.

What had stopped me from always being this way?  My body image.  Caused by my weight gain from emotional eating.  Which made me sad about being so big and not being able to dance like I wanted.  Which made me eat.  And sometimes throw up.

If I was skinny, I used to say.  If I was skinny I would be a star.  If I was skinny I could choreograph, I could partner, all of the teachers would drool over me and my feet, my flexibility.  But when I read Chi Running, about directing your Chi and feeling your breath flow through out your body with no impediments, I realized . . . I was my biggest impediment.  I didn't want to smile or have fun.  How could I smile if I couldn't get the moves as quick as other girls?  How could I get the moves when I was so busy thinking about my leotard showing my back fat?

So when I started Zumba, it was in the dark.  I felt the energy soaring through my body.  There was no judgement, only joy.  It was like making peace with my body and my movement, one of the fundamental ways I felt good expressing myself.

Now I belong to LA Fitness.  I am back in a dance studio with mirrors and a teacher.  Now, I know Zumba is not anything like a dance class.  But I am astonished at the way I jumped back into that negative dancer mentality.  One of my fellow Zumbaphiles was wearing jazz shoes and kept trying to do intricate moves between the dances we were doing.  I found myself judging her, instead of feeling her enjoyment in the movement.  Then I looked in the mirror at the blank look on my sweaty face.  I felt so good, why was I holding it in?  Was I jealous of the woman who was so freely . . . happy?

So I did it.  I just let go of my face and let it reflect the joy I felt.  It was scary.  But you know what?  I had so much more fun that way.  Just like I am working so hard to make peace with food and tune into what my body needs, one day I hope to make peace with my movement and to truly move from my heart, cut out the sound, the negative back talk and just dance.

Successes with a side order of dysfunction

Howdy.  I have not fallen off of the face of the earth.  At last writing I was off of the HCG protocol for a while.  I am still off.  Eating when hungry has still proven a challenge to me, but I am glad to say that I have not gained weight since going off protocol.  I also have not been weighing as often as I used to, and I feel like my whole attitude about my size has changed.  My self talk has changed.  I see changes inside, and I know eventually the outside will catch up.  My husband surprised me with a gym membership that includes Zumba, and I LOVE zumba.  I have even toyed with the idea of becoming an instructor.  I also have been trying green coffee beans.

The bad: I still am emotionally eating.  Even binging a little, though not half as much as I used to.  I am (temporarily) losing my best friend due to some life stuff, and now I am 15 days from the death last year of my other best friend.  So I have some sadness I will need to decide how to deal with.

I feel I need to continue to document my journey.  I am dealing with TOM now, and I have yet to decide if I want to return to the protocol after.  I feel like right now I am enjoying the gym membership and the Zumba classes, and I want to continue to work on eating when hungry.  If I can JUST eat when I am hungry, that will be a huge success for me.  The next success will be stopping when I am full.  I am looking at the small goals right now, and the long run.

I am not in a rush.  I will be this new me for a LOOOOOONG time.