VLCD 13. The trap of commercial satisfaction

I just watched this video from Robin Phillips Woodall, the one about the mother whose dieting affected her son.  I have heard, over and over again, that the cult of the good body is akin to the dieting cult.  I was listening to this song, and it struck me: which ever part of this deficit based society you buy into, it requires that same kind of crazy.  Because once you have that body, you would give anything to maintain it.  Once you have that house, that car, that look, those clothes, IT defines who you are.  You are no longer in control of your fate, the very clothes, car, size, etc that gave you the life you thought you wanted are now the things your life depends on.  Think about those "celebrities" who have lost their fame and have done just about anything to gain it back, or to achieve it at another level.  

That is not a life.  It's a trap.


Today I avoided the coffee with too much milk, but there was another issue. 
I am not spacing out my drops well. These led me to eat brussel sprouts roasted in a little oil. 
I think I got too hungry because it was 12 hours between my first and second doses.

VCLP 12: In the thick of it

I have to admit: I have been subbing a Café Misto for a meat serving for the past three days. I don't know if it's the worst thing, or proof that I won't commit to the diet or evidence that I was hugged too much as a child. I'm not mad at myself for it. But I think I'm quitting it. I understand where Robin is coming from when she emphasizes that these are HORMONES we're messing with. Hormones we don't fully understand. So if I say my goal is body rehab, not just weight loss, I need to set my body up for a good clean reboot-not just a quick drop.

Here are the health problems I have gained with the extra weight:
Achy joints
Reflux
Rashes
Diarrhea
Worsened Asthma
High blood pressure

I'm so glad I'm putting my body first and taking this seriously.

VLCD 10: Thought I was super woman!

Up until around 7, I had very minimal hunger all day. Then all of a sudden, an emotional eating cloud just kind of lighted upon my head. I keep thinking about cheating. I know I have been doing so well and I don't think I will cheat. But it's like I'm being stalked by this desire.

Trying my best to sit with this discomfort. Night night! I update stats mañana. Night!

VLCD 9. Exhaustion, Action, Work

Not much to say about today. So much work in this training I'm doing on my self, and it's so much to process. No time for emotional eating that's for sure :)

All I ate was a few dried strawberries, a hamburger patty and a bowl of cabbage hamburger soup. Oh and a cafe misto with stevia.

Hunger games. VLCD 8

Not too much hunger today. I didn't finish one protein serving. In fact come to think of it, I didn't finish one serving of anything. So I'm curious to see how tomorrow feels with my hunger.

I have a looooong training tomorrow with a bunch of people I barely know, which will be an intensely uncomfortable experience for me. Lots of people will eating out and social eating is an easy escape for me on these situations. I look forward to the challenge. I feel so different this time and I am excited to see what additional transformations these challenges bring.

Realizations and Fullness, VLCD 7

Forgot to publish this yesterday.
I have been trying to figure out what it takes for me to feel emotionally full. If I'm not hungry for food what am I hungry for?

"Have fun now!" I told my friend. I can't, she tells me. I can't look at myself. I can't enjoy moving because I'm so big.  "But that's the mindset you have to fight against. That only the skinny you can fit through the door of having fun. That body shame is what causes us to binge and eat emotionally! The feeling like we don't deserve to have fun just like we feel like don't deserve to have a healthy weight and self sabotage and overly restrict! The key to getting rid of this cycle is to love your body unconditionally. Appreciating what it can do and is doing right now." I told her how, at my lowest, skinniest weight I was not satisfied. Now my but wasn't big enough. It wasn't how I looked that was the problem. The problem was how I saw myself.

And my friend said, "Wow. I see it now. That's what I've been doing. And I didn't even realize it. I have to learn to love my body right now, as it is."

The guilt. The restrictions. The pinching fat. The tears. The shame. The crazy. For her, it may be the first step off the crazy train and into her real life.

After that conversation . . . I felt so full.

VCLP day 6. Setbacks and Improvements

So the bad first. I weighed today. I felt really bad because I had decided to not weigh at least until Monday. I feel like I let myself down because that was the commitment I made for myself. I am so tired of this life; of binging and relying on fluid as an emotional crutch. I told a friend today that I would rather lose this dependence to dieting and emotional eating than I would to lose weight. So I have to keep that focus in front of me. I can succeed with that as a goal. I can succeed a lot quicker than I can lose 100 pounds. So I need to make sure at all times that is where my focus is staying.
I did lose 10 pounds.
Successes! I just ate half of my chicken, realized I was full and stepped away. I don't know when I've been able to do that. Let's see If I can do that with every meal?

I just got this quote from a friend of a friend on Facebook and I had to add it here.  Because there are mashed potatoes in the refrigerator calling my name.

Ádìsá Ájámú

It is a horrible thing to feel stuck, to feel as though the life you desire is right within our grasps, close enough for us to see it, brush up against it, feel it but not be able to grasp it. If we understand that much of our lives are the result of choices we've made--good and bad. Then it helps us understand that wekeep getting the lack of results we've gotten thus far in life because we keep doing what we've doing. Different life results require a different life actions. It's that simple—and that hard. Life is about choices and chances, the ones we make and take, and the ones we don't. The life you desire is waiting patiently for you to change. Go get your bliss.

- Ádìsá