How To Feed My Hungry Soul

VLCD 4: Today was pretty good.  I've been struggling with being tired and last night resorted to taking a Benadryl at 2a.m. I am pretty much POP, although I do use a little non stick coconut oil spray.

I am really grappling with my mind set. I feel like I am on one side of a cliff, holding on to negativity, desperation about weight loss, self doubt and I'm looking across a chasm and on the other side are all of my gifts; creativity, self love, friendships, trust, a lives while person. What is in between me and me self actualized, productive life?

Not my weight. I think it's the distractions of technology and my tendency to plan plan plan. Rather than just be zen and explore my creative productive side, I fill my time calculating pounds that I should lose. I fill my time on Facebook. I watch television shows filled with commercials and messages that I am not enough.

I want to jump this chasm.

Goals: Consider a daily limit for social media.
Limit television to preplanned viewing.
Quit thinking about the next weight loss plan.

I will update and revisit these goals.

VLCP, Day 3. It wasn't worth it . . .

Hey all.  So I did my load, and I remembered the ice cream (although I never got my buffalo wings) and began on Saturday.  Preload weight was 219 (WOW).  Guess what happened Sunday?

I cheated.

My mom had a friend over who is from Lousiana.  She makes a fabulous gumbo and an even better rice dressing (think stuffing, like in turkey, but with rice.  It is AMAZING).  She brought over some spaghetti, one of my favorite foods.  There were meatballs in it AND hot links.  Somehow, I ended up being the one putting everything away . . . and the rest is history.

As soon as I took the first bite I thought: "This is not as good as I thought it would be."  Then downed bites 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 . . . it tasted like some straight up Chef Boy-ar-dee.  This was what I blew my protocol for ON THE SECOND DAY NO LESS.  I was furious.  I ran to the store to find some cookies to at least make the cheat worth it.  While I sat hiding on my mom's back porch eating the cookies, I thought about what I wanted the spaghetti to taste like.  I couldn't imagine.

In that moment, after I cheated on myself and my commitment I had made to changing myself and the way I viewed food, and even just my commitment to the idea of finishing what I promised myself, I couldn't imagine ONE THING that would have been so good it was worth letting myself down.  I need to remember this next time I want to cheat.  Nothing tastes good enough to break your trust with yourself, your COMMITMENT to yourself.

This is my goal, people.  To be the girl on this video:

Not Robin :)  The one she is talking to.  I know I will get there.  I know I will be able to trust this process.  Today I had a great day eating to hunger, but I find that all morning I am drinking coffee.  I also worry that I am leaning too hard on coconut oil.  I actually want to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm sorry!) just to confirm that I am doing okay even with the coconut oil.  If I am still going down, then I will give my scale to my mom and I will fall into trust . . . eyes closed, mind open . . .

I want to be able to see myself accomplishing SOLID GOALS.  I am fitting into older clothes, but nothing shocking to me.  But I am wary of making my motivation body size related.  I cannot say that right now I love my body, but I don't hate it, and I feel like I am able to coexist with it in friendship for the first time ever.  I mean, I am not putting down parts of my body or punishing it with too much food.  I am just listening.

It feels good.